Dead-eyed stare

We go into some very dangerous neighborhoods, therefore, it is occasionally wise to look tough. This has long been a problem for us, since neither Hedon nor I look particularly intimidating, unless your biggest fear is being sat upon.

Hedon used to try to look tough whenever she was out of the truck. I thought she just looked angry … or constipated … or angry about being constipated.

I once tried to present an intimidating impression whenever we had to go through this one intersection in New Jersey, where there had been frequent highjackings. I would get in the passenger seat, put on my hooded sweatshirt, pulling the hood low just above my eyes. A pair of sunglasses, a clenched jaw and a big maglight held menacingly next to the window for potential criminals to see, completed my “tough trucker” ensemble.

Hedon said I looked like a special person on a field trip.

It took quite a long time, but finally I have developed an approach that works. I call it the dead-eyed stare. What it lacks in the area of toughness, it more than makes up for in abundant creepiness.

To affect the dead-eyed stare, your face must relax utterly into a slightly open-mouthed, slack-jawed state. Your eyelids must lower lazily, relaxing into what is called “hooded.” Empty your mind of all thought except those that say, “I’m a scary hillbilly from ‘Deliverance,’ and there’s no telling what loony crap is going through my mind.” It’s important to think these thoughts, because it will show in your eyes. Besides, you’ve got to think of something to keep yourself from laughing and spoiling the whole thing.

Beam the dead-eyed stare at whomever might be dangerous, or just annoying. They’ll be transfixed by you for a moment, trying to figure out what the hell your deal is. As you continue to drill them with your inbred creepiness, they’ll start to want to break eye contact. Keep it up, because they cannot withstand the power of those dead eyes. They will soon look away, and leave you be. They have no choice. The way you look, god only knows what you might be capable of doing.

Thanks to the dead-eyed stare I no longer have to worry about looking tough. And, I’ve gotta admit, when used on an average person, it has remarkable entertainment value. I’ve actually made a few tourists at rest areas break into a trot.