Ursula and Me

2008 September 1
tags:
by Hedon

Part One

Ursula? Hedon?

Ursula? Hedon?

I thought Disney might get grumpy if I posted pictures of their characters without permission. Then I got the bright idea to write a movie review so I could legitimately post a pic of a character from the movie. That’s got to be ok, right?

So here is Hedon’s review of The Little Mermaid. I laughed. I cried. I felt my sense of wonder renew. My faith in humanity/mermanity was strengthened. All became right in my world. Two thumbs up.

WARNING WARNING WARNING

Because I want to recreate the following incident faithfully, the word ass is going to be used liberally in part two of this post. Some might even say excessively. If you are offended by the word you are welcome to secretly substitute “Butt” for every word that starts with an “a”. I won’t mind. If you are offended but find that you lack the mental capacity to secretly substitute one word for another, you should probably just re-read Part One of this post and move on. Maybe go watch The Little Mermaid which is a fine movie.

Part Two

I have a huge butt. I mean its HUGE. If you’ve seen Ursula from The Little Mermaid you’ve seen me. If you never saw the movie, coincidentally the picture I chose for my movie review above is Ursula… or is it me? Except for the fact that she has big boobs — and thank god I don’t — we could be identical twins. Well except for the tentacles. And her wicked cool haircut. And all the makeup. And the breathing underwater. And transforming people into hideous garden pets. Ok we’re really not that much alike…. but our butts are identical. That’s the point.

So about 6 years ago I was sitting in a Freightliner shop in Houston waiting to get my truck fixed. I noticed this mid-20s young guy kinda watching me, but didn’t think anything much of it. Finally he followed me out when I went to smoke yet another cigarette and we were the only two around. This is the conversation that followed:

Mr Suave: You got you the biggest ass I ever seen.

Me: Uh … thanks.

Suave: I sure would like to get me some of that big old ass.

Me: Sorry dude, we’re not playing for the same team.

Him: Huh?

Me: I’m gay dude. Sorry.

Him: Oh cool. That’s cool. I got nothing against a lady loving the ladies. I love the ladies, too. <He paused for a long beat> Still… seems a shame to waste such a big old ass on a gay girl. That sure is the biggest ass I ever saw.

Me: Thanks… again.

Him: <standing silent for a long time> Could I touch it?

Me: What?

Him: <speaking quickly> I don’t mean nothing. I’m not trying to make you or anything. Its just that that is probably the biggest ass I’m ever gonna see in my life. And I’ll always think I saw the best ass I was ever gonna see and didn’t even touch it.

Me: <long pause> Oh. Ok.

Him: Seriously?

Me: What the hell. Knock yourself out.

He jumped around behind me and clamped two big old Michael-Jordan-sized hands on The Butt. After all that build-up I felt kinda bad that The Butt couldn’t do anything… like maybe a card trick or a juggling act or pull a rabbit out of its… well not that last one so much. But The Butt just stood there being admired. He and I just stood there. Just when I was starting to get impatient, he removed his hands and said “thanks” kinda quietly. Almost reverently. Then he left.

I saw him the next day as I was pulling out of the lot, but he only smiled big and waved. Never saw him again. He would be in his early 30s now. I wonder if he ever saw a bigger Butt. Not bloody likely. I wonder if he ever saw The Little Mermaid. Probably. If he did, I bet every time he hears:

Under the sea

Under the sea

He smiles and thinks of me.

9 Responses
  1. 2008 September 1

    Your writing ability is just too good to be out there in cyberspace. Have you thought of Last Comic Standing??? You absolutely crack me UP.

    And a million thanks for your post over on Decorina and Skylar. How about that guy? If I were a religious person my only prayer would be “Lord, save me from your followers”. I’m going to keep it going, for now anyway, but some days I just get beaten down by the viral stupidity that is displayed.

    This is the funniest thing I’ve read (I know I keep saying that) in awhile. But be ready because I’m cooking up a whole new post on Barkcloth for you. I have a truck to deliver tomorrow, but I’ll be back on Wednesday.

  2. 2008 September 1

    Why, if I had a magic barkcloth it would be the Cloak of Invisibility, wouldn’t it?

  3. 2008 September 1

    Glad you liked the post. Mr. AssMan was seriously funny. I still think about him and laugh all these years later. It has crossed my mind that there may be more like him out there. Maybe I could start up a little cottage industry: “Feel the Butt — $5.00″ I wonder if the Small Business Association would consider a start-up loan for that?

    It was my pleasure to reply over there at Decorina. I know there is nothing to be gained by trying to reason with those kind of people so I don’t know why I bother. Yes I do. I can’t resist pointing out what an idiot they look like. Still not a be-the-bigger-person kind of person. Except in the Butt area.

    Looking forward to hearing more about this mystical Barkcloth and all its powers.

  4. 2008 September 2

    Fabulous post. I love your writing. LOVE LOVE LOVE. Decorina has a point – you should be writing for something other than cyberspace. OR, getting paid to write for cyberspace!

    This story is just great. On one hand, his comment could have been a little insulting, on the other, his admiration of it and desire to fulfill a “dream” by being so bold as to say something to you is a bit admirable. He could have gotten a slap. After his admission and apparent awe, I would have let him touch it too.

    I’m sure if you Googled images, you saw all of these: http://images.google.com/images?hl=en&q=ursula+little+mermaid&gbv=2

    I think this one is my favorite: http://www.trojanhorseantiques.com/UrsulaPorcelainFigurine.jpg

    I think I might be getting that for you for Christmas! lol

    Again, great post. And now you have ME wondering how big your ass is. Now every ample assed women in truckstops across the country are going to be getting “the eye” as I look upon them wondering if it’s you. :)

  5. 2008 September 2

    LOL I did not see that second one. It does look shockingly like me. Well except for the boobs. It was hard to find a shot of her from behind so people who hadn’t seen the movie could get the full sense of what we were dealing with here. I wish I could have found a better shot.

    You don’t have to scope out all those poor women at truck stops. Here’s what you need to do: wait until you see some woman about 42 years old (can’t remember exactly right now and don’t want to add it up) probably in sweats or jeans from the big man store who has an ass so incredibly big that it stops you dead in your tracks. And you find yourself just standing there with your mouth hanging open from the wonder of it all. Check to see if she has some sort of ball cap on. If she does, come on over and say Hi. It will be me.

  6. 2008 December 5

    That is some funny shit! LOL!

  7. 2008 December 6

    Thinkin,

    ::grinning:: That guy was funny as hell. I mean I know about black men and big butts but seriously he acted like he was having a religious experience.

    Thanks for dropping by.

  8. 2009 September 11

    Hedon

    I bounced here from the Daily Rant blog. I’m really glad I did!
    Even though this is an older post it is so worth reading.

    We need to start another shared blog called … I don’t know … how about “Blog Rolling” or some such and we’ll put up the “Best of the Rolling Blogs” from you guys on the highways.

    I am a talented photographer and would positively love to shoot you …. sorry, photograph you.

    If you are ever near Stratford, Ontario, Canada on a run, leave a comment on my blog and I’d be more than pleased to buy coffee and bring my camera. (Or email me if you like)

    Now I have to attend the little boys room because you made me want to p!$$ myself!

    Stay safe, run smart,
    Doug

  9. 2009 September 12

    Hey Doug!

    Welcome! Any friend of Salena and Ed’s is always welcome here. If we’re ever up that way I will contact you — the butt really should be memorialized by a professional. :)

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