The time Canada body checked me, eh

2008 September 19
by Hedon

Immediately post-election November 2004 at the Hag homestead:

Me:  Wife! That’s it! We’re moving to Canada. You need to start learning all you can about hockey and adding “eh?” to the end of your sentences. (I had been reading lots of Dickens at the time hence the imperious tone)

Stace (raised eyebrows):  What the hell are you talking about? We can’t just move to Canada.

Me:  That’s ‘what the hell are you talking about, eh?’ And oh yes we are. We need to start listening to that XM laugh channel to get us up-to-date with Canadian humor. (pacing and muttering) You know… we love Kids in the Hall… and John Candy — you like John Candy. Oh… and we love Jeopardy!… and Alex Trebek is Canadian.

Stace:  I hate Conan O’Brien.

Me:  Everybody hates Conan O’Brien he doesn’t count. Besides, I don’t even think he’s from Canada. (back to pacing and muttering) We’ll get a little cabin somewhere in the boonies and we can still drive you know… Canada has trucking, too… eh.

Stace:  Ok… calm down. Just calm down.

Me (slightly hysterical I admit):  Stace… I can’t do it. I just can’t. You know in 2000 Bush, Jeb and Scalia stole the election and I hated it but I could survive it. But I simply can not live in a society where we chose him. We knew what he was, we had finally survived his four years, and we picked him again. I just… can’t… do it. We’re going to Canada… oh wait… we’re going to Canada, eh.

Stace:  Well… (sigh) before you put the house on the market why don’t you investigate this a little? Get online and find out what we need to do to move up there… (huge sigh) …eh?

Me (looking around the house):  Good idea. You start thinking about which of this crap we want to take and what we want to get rid of… oh and don’t forget to check out hockey when you get a chance.

So I bustled off to find Canada’s website detailing the process of immigration. Only to find out that all the Americans who were desperately ready to run had overloaded Canada’s system and crashed their servers. So instead of concrete interactive information I only found a very polite letter:

Dear Thinking Americans,

We understand that you are currently experiencing shock and horror caused by your election results. We, too, are aghast that God’s Little Buddy was re-elected. (I don’t know if you knew it, Americans, but many of us up here join you in thinking of President Bush and God as a modern-day version of Gilligan and The Skipper. We, too, see God ordering Bush to work on something like world peace and Little Buddy Bush screwing it all up royally then shrugging his shoulders in that ‘I can’t help it I’m a doofus’ manner while an exasperated God smacks him about the head and shoulders with his floppy God-hat)

Anyway, we feel very badly for you. However, I’m sure you’ll understand when we say that you can’t all just load up your cars like something out of The Grapes of Wrath and drive north with whatever you can carry. First, because we actually offer things like health-care to everyone in our society you can see how a massive influx of nauseous, depressed and demoralized Americans would strain the system.

Second, most peoples of the world love us because we’re Canadians. We know that you know this because we hear you all the time in Europe and other places pretending to be from Canada so your waiters won’t spit in your soup. We haven’t said anything about it before because we didn’t want to embarrass you, but honestly what would it do to our reputation abroad if we allowed tens of thousands of Americans to suddenly immigrate? No offense, I’m just saying…

Third, you appear to be the only thinking people left in America. And I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but the US can be somewhat of a bully… and that’s with all of you still living there. What would the US become if you all leave? Its embarrassing enough to share the hemisphere with a moderately restrained adolescent who is still constantly stamping his foot and demanding that he get his way or else. If you all leave and there is no longer any restraint, we shudder to think of how loud the tantrums will become. We’ll never have another quiet moment.

Fourth… and I don’t mean this unkindly but… you knew what he was. You knew he was nothing more than a great big ignorant lying bully and yet America re-elected Little Buddy anyway. This says to us that you were either apathetic or ineffectual and frankly that doesn’t make you a real attractive addition to our society. Sorry to be so blunt, but I feel like we’re friends and I can speak honestly.

For all of these reasons, I’m sure you can understand why we can’t just have you rushing up here like you’re running from a burning building. Please understand that we are not in any way trying to make light of the pain that you are feeling today. We also feel your pain. I would go so far as to say the majority of the free world feels your pain. Be that as it may, much as we wish we could be more helpful, you will have to apply for entry in the usual manner and wait approximately one year for permission to enter the country. In the meantime try to hang tough. Good luck, eh.

Sincerely,

Canada

Damn! Damn! Damn!

12 Responses
  1. 2008 September 19

    Oh. My. Dog! I snorted, laughed and had to dab tears away with a tissue. Another brilliant post, Ladies, you two should have your own show on TV, nay, it should be broadcast live across all channels, all should bow down before you and…er…okay, enough of the silliness.

    You two really hit the nail. Love it. Oh, and you know, there is still space up here if you two, at least, should change your mind. I’ve been here ten years now and no one has noticed. :)

  2. 2008 September 19

    Thanks a lot, Alex.

    Maybe you could save us a spot. You may be seeing us soon. Well I say that, but really I’m thinking if McCain wins this one I won’t even have time to make it to Canada before my head either melts into goo like the end of “Raiders of the Lost Ark” or simply explodes into a million bits.

    Trying to process that a majority of people in this country could vote for four more years of what we’ve just survived would be far more than I could ever ask of the old brain.

  3. 2008 September 19

    Eddie and I LOVE LOVE LOVE Canada. This “letter” was hysterical and oh how I love your writing.

    The thing I noticed when I was up there (and this is where I’ll brag that I’ve been to 11 of the 13 Provinces and Territories)is that they have a WHOLE LOT OF LAND. I think there’s plenty of space and like Alex said, they haven’t found her yet!!

    Save a spot for us please!

  4. 2008 September 19

    Hedon,

    That sounds just like a heathen.

    If you leave America how will Jesus find you when the rapture comes? You know he’s not going to go looking outside our borders, right?

    USA! USA! USA and JESUS!

  5. 2008 September 19

    Oh and another thing… our Lord and Savior is not some rotund old man who wanders around wearing the same outfit everyday and wearing a floppy Captain’s hat. Like God would wear a floppy hat if he wore one. He would so obviously wear a smart Fedora. God would be a very sharp dresser if he wore anything other than flowing snow-white robes. Not like one of those nasty Metrosexuals on the tv or anything, but clean-cut and presentable. Like Buzz Aldrin.

    And God would not hit people around the head and shoulders with his hat — God hates violence. He would simply drop them into the everlasting burning pits of hell. Where they belong.

  6. 2008 September 19

    Daily Rant,

    Wow! 11 of 13 that is cool. Stace and I have only slipped over the border once I think. Mostly because we regularly carry around 30 cartons of cigarettes in the truck. (They are dirt cheap at the casinos in New Mexico so I always stock us up when we’re through on I40) I can just imagine how Canada would react to that.

    We loved it up there though. The first time you went were you shocked and confused by how polite everybody was? It was a serious culture shock for us.

    It would be so nice to live out in the boondocks — without a neighbor right next door. Who knows we may all have to head that way soon.

  7. 2008 September 19

    Becky Lou,

    I was wondering if Jesus has any sort of change of address form I could fill out if I decide to move to Canada? Would he really need that? I mean Santa would still be able to find me if I were in another country…

  8. 2008 September 20

    I’ve been reading through your archives, and I don’t think either one of you needs to worry about being somewhere where Jesus can find you. You might as well move to Canada since you sure aren’t going to heaven, sinner.

  9. 2008 September 20

    Words fail. You just need your own XM channel.

  10. 2008 September 20

    Thanks, Decorina.

    Sometimes I think I just need medication.

  11. 2008 September 20

    Hedon,

    Yeah, the cigarettes wouldn’t go over too well. Of all the times we’ve been though, we only had our truck searched once. And of course, it was the time it was like, 30 below.

    As for the niceness of people – oh God, yes. But the nicest people I’ve ever met on the face of the Earth, and who happen to reside in Canada, can be found on Prince Edward Island. It was like being on another planet.

    A nice planet. With Ann of Green Gables. And ocean so blue you think they used food coloring.

    Oh, and seafood to DIE for. I love when nice people serve lobster.

  12. 2008 September 23

    Hey Salena,

    Prince Edward Island, you say? We’ll definitely have to go there at some point. I couldn’t believe those Canadians with their “please” and “thank you” and “excuse me, ma’am” all the time. It was down right confusing.

    I love seafood. I like to try really weird stuff. Not like eat it and maybe die, but otherwise weird is good. But that has to fight my shrimp addiction. Thinking about food is cruel right now… I’m off to Outback.

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