A bit personal

It was recently mentioned to us that we haven’t written anything on our blog about personal matters like Hedon’s and my relationship (jeez, that’s a grammatical minefield there, and I suspect I’ve tripped more than a couple mines). What was I saying? Oh yeah, Hedon and I haven’t talked about our relationship.

I was kinda surprised by that. Guess I hadn’t really thought about it. That’s not all that surprising, though, since just the other day I was astonished to discover that in all my years I hadn’t thought about how babies in the womb go to the bathroom. Hadn’t given it a moment’s thought. I was absolutely shocked to learn that those babies just do their business the regular way, right there in the womb! How could I not have thought of this? Where the hell have I been? I mean, this is pretty basic stuff here.

Where was I? Oh yeah, Hedon and me. Stuff about us.

Hedon and I met our freshman year in college, in 1983. We didn’t much like each other at first, but since we were both friends of another girl, we wound up spending quite a bit of time together. Inside of six months, we were best friends.

We didn’t know we were lesbians. For myself, I was in line to become a slut of the first order in an increasingly futile search to discover what the hell an orgasm was. I thought if I found the right guy, sex might actually become something more than a power play, and I was determined to keep looking. Yeah, I’m a dumbass. I mean, I didn’t even know Cyndi Lauper’s “She Bop” was about masturbation. Picture me in 1984, wearing my “Flashdance” torn, off-the-one-shoulder sweatshirt and my tight Oscar de la Renta jeans, bouncing around the dance floor at a frat party, drunkenly slurring “She bop, she bop a we bop” and not having a single clue that I was happily proclaiming to everyone how much I enjoy masturbating. Is it really any surprise I had no clue that I might be gay?

After a couple of years at the same school, Hedon and I both went elsewhere, but we always stayed in touch and visited each other often. We both had boyfriends who came and went, but Hedon and I were best friends through it all. Years passed. We eventually both wound up living in the same city while I was in grad school. When Hedon had a baby, I became her daughter’s godmother.

After grad school, I moved back to my home town, which was several hours drive away from Hedon and my god-daughter. This was a bad time for us, being apart like that. All the same, we spent pretty much every weekend together. Either she’d drive down to see me, or I’d drive up to see her. We were still platonic best friends.

One night, the day before Valentine’s Day in 1992, Hedon called me and said she was driving down to see me. She said she had something important to tell me and it couldn’t wait until the weekend.

I was afraid this was bad news. Who wouldn’t be? When she finally arrived, she told me that she wasn’t dying or anything. And behold … she came packing a sweet bag of pot. I was like, damn, she’s got to get me loaded before telling me what’s up. This can’t be good. This consideration did not, of course, keep me from partaking of her offering.

After a very happy hour or so, Hedon suddenly turned serious and said it was time. She handed me a letter and asked me to read it. Good lord, her demeanor sobered me up enough that I could indeed, read that letter.

She wrote to me that she had a deep, dark secret she had been hiding from me. She said the secret was that she believed she was a lesbian. She wrote about how she had suspected this about herself for a long time, and that she had had many crushes on women. She was now certain that she was gay. Over and over she insisted that she hadn’t told me about this because she was afraid I wouldn’t like her anymore if I knew she was a lesbian. Over and over she wrote that our friendship wouldn’t change and that she wasn’t attracted to me “like that,” so I shouldn’t feel uncomfortable being around her now that I know the truth (said something like 30 or more times).

Now, before I tell you how I responded to this revelation, I have to repeat that I was extremely stoned. Okay, so here’s what happened next …

I finished the letter and turned to Hedon and said, “I don’t give a damn if you’re gay. What I want to know is why the hell you’re not attracted to me! How dare you be gay and not be attracted to me!”

I would like to think my response would have been a bit more considered and less self-absorbed had I been sober. Sigh.

Poor Hedon, who had been agonizing over this disclosure for months and months, sat there for a long time, just staring at me with a stupid expression on her face. And I just sat there all disgusted and put out that she didn’t want me.

I was always impulsive when drunk or high, but really, this was above and beyond. By way of explanation, all I can say is that I had thought of Hedon, off and on, as a potential lover, particularly in the several years leading up to this moment, but I didn’t allow myself to think of it for very long. I’d just stop it, and tell myself I loved her, but not in that way. So basically, I had considered the possibility of a non-platonic relationship, but I didn’t dwell on it in any lasting way. I mean, Hedon wasn’t gay, and I didn’t really think I was, so what was the point in dwelling on it? I hope Hedon will write a post about her side of this fateful evening, since her side of the story is very touching, while my side is basically just pure dumbassedness. Okay, back to the story …

I’m not sure how long Hedon was silent that night. Seemed like forever. Finally, she said, “Okay, I lied. It’s you. I love you.”

That satisfied me. I told her I loved her, too.

We didn’t discuss the matter much more that night. The reality of the situation had sunk in, and Hedon in particular wanted to leave it be until the next day, when we were both sober and she could count on my being rational again.

The next day, I hadn’t changed my mind, and neither had she. And that was that. She and (now) our daughter moved in within a month, and we’ve been together ever since, 16 years and counting. Our daughter is grown and has a daughter of her own now (yes, we are <gasp> grandmothers).

It hasn’t always been easy, but Hedon and I are meant to be together, and nothing has ever seriously threatened that. We simply fit one another. Our lives together may have changed on the eve of Valentine’s Day so many years ago, but our friendship has not. She is still my best friend. I can’t imagine a life without her in it.