My Super Sweet Sixteen Review

2008 October 9
by Hedon

I wanted the silver Lexus, not the black one!

What with having an extrodinary amount of time for tv watching lately, I found myself watching a marathon of this reality show called My Super Sweet Sixteen on MTV the other night. If you haven’t seen the show, I highly recommend it. Especially if you enjoy watching things that leave you open-mouthed with horror. I’ll give you a run down of the format here so you’ll be prepared. The show is based on the birthday parties these incredibly spoiled rich kids (almost always girls from what I’ve seen) throw when they turn 16. Here’s roughly how it all goes down:

Opening introductions

Birthday girl introduces herself and explains who her family is, how they got to be so rich, and why she deserves a party that costs more than many families earn in half a decade to celebrate the fact that she made it to the ripe old age of sixteen. This introduction section usually also includes a quick sound-bite from mom or dad telling us what a good girl their princess is.

Planning the party

This section is when Mom and Princess actually meet with an outrageously over-the-top party planner, whose name will be something like Juan Augusto, to begin working on the party. First things first, they assure him that money is no object and encourage him to let his imagination run wild. Then they discuss various touches that Princess must have included in her party or she will die. These touches depend on the individual Princess, but include everything from live elephants and four-story Ferris wheels to a fully functioning canal system installed on the parents’ estate complete with singing mustachioed gondoliers flown in directly from Venice.

Once they get the basic theme of the party worked out, they move on to the menu which is usually centered around foods like Bald Eagle Hot Wings served on solid gold plates with 2,385 thread-count linen napkins woven by virgins and folded into carved genuine ivory napkin rings.

Then Princess demands some sort of entertainment act that will make everyone at her school swoon with awe at her amazingness:

Princess: I want Tupac to play at my party

Daddy: Do you mean Tupac Shakur? But Tupac is dead, honey.

Princess, stamping foot: But I want him! Why don’t I ever get what I want?

Daddy: Ok, Princess, I’ll get some people on it.

The Invitations

Once Princess has the party planning well in hand, its time to sit down with her BFFs and decide who to crush by not inviting them to the party. This is always great fun and much joyous laughter takes place in this section of the show. When they finally hammer out a guest list of those in her school who are top-notch ass kissers, its time to hand out the invitations. Now you might think Princess would mail the invitations or just hand them to Jeeves and have him hand-deliver them in the Rolls but no… the delivering of the invitations usually involves a horse-drawn carriage pulling a cannon. When she shows up at the lucky student’s house, Princess stuffs the invitation in the butt-crack of a midget, shoots the midget out of the cannon onto lucky student’s front lawn and follows that up with another cannon blast of confetti made out of hundred dollar bills. Lucky student then pulls invitation out of said midget’s butt-crack and gushes about how Princess is “the coolest ever” until the cameras leave.

The dress and car… I mean surprise birthday present

Some time at about this point in the show, Princess and mom have to fly off to Paris or New York to get a well-known fashion house to close down and give them a private show so they can pick out the birthday girl’s party dresses. Yes, I said dresses. Princess usually has several costume changes the night of the party so nobody gets bored looking at her fabulousness in just one outfit. When she tries on dresses, mom will occasionally make gasping sounds of horror to vocalize the shock she is feeling at seeing her little girl dressed up like a French whore. But Princess knows what she wants so the shopping trip is usually pretty brief.

At some point in her hectic schedule, Princess finds time to take mom and dad to the local Lexus or Land Rover dealership to point out which model she’ll be expecting on the big day. The parents usually make a good show of putting up a fight. They say things like “That car’s a little too much for a new driver to handle… blah blah blah…” We all know she’s getting the car.

The Big Night

Whew! Finally weeks of planning and tens of thousands of dollars later it’s the big night. All the local kids invited to adore Princess show up and stand around waiting for her to make her grand entrance. Princess is late because Dad accidentally ordered the Hummer stretch-limo with the blue interior when she specifically said she wanted a red interior. Dad has now ruined everything and there’s no point in even going to the party. Dad promises Princess a vacation to Monaco when all this is over if she will just go to the party and try to have fun for his sake. Grudgingly Princess agrees to go but insists that she won’t have any fun at all.

Luckily, when Princess shows up at the party there is a crisis because some unworthy scum have tried to crash the party and were apprehended by the numerous bouncers Mom and Dad hired to enforce the coolness code. So Princess gets to tell the scum that they are far too wretched and nasty to even think about coming to her party and then throws them off the premises. This perks Princess up considerably and the show can now go on. She finally makes her grand entrance reclining on a silk-covered platform perched on the backs of the entire cast of Chippendale’s New York. The crowd goes wild. They make sure to yell passionately how very cool/hot/great Princess is whenever they are in view of a camera.

Around this point, there’s usually a segment of the party where Princess displays whatever it is that she considers as her special talent. Some will dance. Some will sing. Others will embarrass themselves in various different ways. The crowd will go wild again, forever convincing Princess that she has some sort of talent. Then the big name entertainer comes out and wows the kids with how cool they all are to be there. The entertainer isn’t Tupac because he’s still dead, but Princess is too high with power and admiration from herself and others to mind too much.

Mom and Dad have the surprise car delivered as all the kids oooh and ahhh with envy. As the show ends, the party winds down with Princess strapping down Mom and Dad naked over whipping benches and forcing them both to take it up the butt from a Conga Line of Haitian Man-Whores.

Now that’s just good entertainment. Well… until you consider that Princess is going to grow up someday and run the country and we’ll all be standing around clapping and cheering for her while we wait for our turn on the whipping bench.

8 Responses
  1. 2008 October 9

    You’re not joking, are you? This is for real? Now I know the world is about to end. Sodom and Gomorra anyone?

  2. 2008 October 9

    I think I’ve actually seen this show once!!

    So are you telling me that this isn’t the kind of party YOU had on your 16th?

    Like, whatever.

  3. 2008 October 9

    Alex,

    Ok… I might be stretching the truth a little right there at the end, but other than that it’s all real. Frightening, huh?

  4. 2008 October 9

    Salena,

    On my 16th, I was allowed to leave the coal mine a half hour early so I could see me some sunshine.

    What a special day that there was.

  5. 2008 October 10

    Funny-scary!! Warped and Twisted could be another title for this lol.

  6. 2008 October 10

    In my next life I want to come back as one of those lil bitches!
    Eve

  7. 2008 October 10

    OMG, that does sound horrifying, but at the same time intriguing! And disgusting. You can’t stand it, but you can’t look away! Great review!

  8. 2008 October 11

    Bill,

    You got that right! I spend the entire show staring with my mouth hanging open in disgust.

    Eve,

    Lol. No shit! But I honestly think I would be too embarrassed to do it on tv. I’d have to bitch-slap my parents in private.

    Margaret,

    Thanks! I highly recommend the show. It is like a train wreck that you can’t quit watching. Mostly cause you’re hoping against hope that a plane will land on the building and they will all go to their maker.

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