We three kings

I was telling Stace earlier today that I thought we had left my brain-mojo in the old truck. Seems like since we changed trucks I haven’t had a thing to say and that’s the only thing I can attribute it to right now.

While we were talking about my arid, dried-up pool of creativity, Stace said, “I think sometime you should post about being ADD and… well… you know…THEM.”

Me, “Really? You think I should post about them?”

Stace, “Well … I don’t know. I’m not sure how people would react. They might think you’re a weirdo.”

Me, “Cool! I’m all over that.”

Them. How to explain about Them… Basically there are three entities that live in my head and share control of the big lumbering uncoordinated body. First, you have to understand that I am seriously ADD. I didn’t know it until just about 10 years ago so up until that time I just thought I was a really bad adult. Then I finally found out that I was a really bad adult for a good reason! The point is that someday we may find out that having three brains is perfectly normal for a certain group of people, so be careful when throwing rotten veggies and such. Don’t make me stand there covered in veggie slime shaking my fist in the air and insisting, “I am a human-being…”

Anyway, here’s the cast of characters that lives in my head:

Big Brain?

Big Brain: Usually in control of things. For better or worse… often worse. Calling him Big Brain might conjure up images of those big-brained incredibly smart guys in shimmery robes from Star Trek, and Big Brain does have lots of good qualities. He loves puzzles, quizzes, games, and pretty much any type of competition. Big brain is uber-competitive just for the sheer joy of competing, but he’s not ugly about it. Big Brain has a remarkable ability to remember locations that we were at years before. He often shocks Stace by describing the shipper we are going to in great detail — made possible because we were there once three years ago.

Also, Big Brain is responsible for developing, refining, storing, and implementing the current plan for world domination… which now that I think about it might explain a lot about lack of success in that arena. He is generally kind and thoughtful to everyone… well everyone that doesn’t live in the head at any rate. He’s usually the funny one of the group.

Actual Pic of Big Brain... and Wanda

I wish Big Brain was really like the super advanced guys from Star Trek, but in fact he’s a lot more like Cosmo from The Fairly Odd Parents. Like Cosmo, Big Brain often pops out with really helpful gems like, “I like cheese” when I’m trying to remember how to get to a particular shipper. And he has been known to get obsessed with a random song for MONTHS at a time. The worst instance of this was a few years ago when Big Brain got all attached to a song from the movie “Carmen Jones” that I can’t describe in any more detail for fear of getting him all worked up again. I can tell you that Big Brain obsessed on this particular Carmen song for over a year before Stace figured out how to get him to move on to something else. Have you ever had a song stuck in your head for a few days? Sucks, huh? Well… Big Brain enjoyed it. He enjoyed it alot. He played the song over and over hundreds of times a day. I think he did it to torture the rest of us. Asshole. I think he thought it was funny.

Stace says Big Brain is best described as the fun-loving resident twelve-year-old boy who is usually in charge up in the brain area.

Little Brain: Little Brain is the small mature brain that hangs out in the left-over head space that Big Brain isn’t using at the moment. Little Brain’s voice sounds remarkably like Stace’s voice. Little Brain says things like, “Shouldn’t we do our log-book now?” and “You should call home so Stace doesn’t worry.” She doesn’t usually have a ton of influence, but — lord love her — she tries really hard. Little Brain is the grown-up of the group. Oh man she’s even getting screwed here since I can’t think of anything else to say about her. And she doesn’t even get a pic. Oh well… she’s used to it.

Hedon Brain aka Me

Me:The last resident of Hedon Head Central is Me. I’m kinda like the referee between the two of them. The Captain of the ship so to speak. Well in name anyway. Cause let’s face it, reining in Big Brain is like trying to stop a fully-loaded truck roaring down Cabbage with no jakes and smokin’ brakes. I do my best though… much like Little Brain and with about the same success rate.

So those are the three players who are always in residence. Here’s an actual conversation — silent, of course, because it would just be weird if it was out-loud — between the three of us last spring:

2008 annual tax-time brain conference transcript:

Little Brain: Let’s get our taxes done early this year. What about doing them today?

Me: That sounds like a good idea.

Big Brain: I wonder if anyone has ever figured out how to make a car engine out of ceramics yet? I know they were working on it years ago. That would be sooo cool. They say it would last for millions of miles. I wish I had a cupcake right now. Wouldn’t it be great to have a cupcake right about now? Or maybe a chocolate chip cookie. My chocolate chip cookies are excellent. When did I figure out how to change the recipe so the cookies came out better than the original? Maybe Stace knows. I bet Stace would like it if we made her some cookies. Stace loves our cookies.

Little Brain: Your cookies are excellent. We should make some later. But about those taxes…

Big Brain: You’re right. Let’s get on that and get it done. Yay taxes! I wonder if that stupid accounting teacher would be surprised to know I do my own taxes? Shows what she knew, huh?

Me: Yes, she sure was stupid all right. So… let’s get on those taxes.

BB: Yay!! Let’s start. This receipt is no good. Think I can wad it up and toss it into that vase?

LB: OH FOR GOD’S SAKE! Could we please concentrate here? On the taxes!

BB (offended): Well you don’t have to get all pissy… I was just starting with the receipts.

Me: Good job, BB. Let’s push on.

BB: Yeah, Little Brain, maybe you could quit bitching and help out for a change.

LB: Oh. My. Lord… I was just saying… oh never mind… let’s move on.

Me: Good idea. Why don’t we all focus on the taxes now.

BB: Yay taxes!! Hey did you see that blue butterfly outside earlier? I wonder what kind it was. I don’t think we’ve ever had that kind in the yard before. Let’s go out and see if there are any more out there. I think I saw one like it that time we were playing golf with Stace up in Springfield. That was fun. We should go get our clubs and go play golf. Wonder if Stace would like to go play golf?

LB: We haven’t played golf in years. You hated golf.

BB: I did not! I loved golf.

LB: You hated golf. People were always staring at us. It was embarrassing.

BB: They should have been minding their own damn business.

LB: We both know what you really liked was driving the cart.

BB: Yeah those carts are fun, huh? Right? Who wouldn’t like driving those carts? I know you did… admit it… they were fun.

LB: Ok. They were fun. Wish they had gone faster though.

BB: Me, too. Wonder if Stace would let us buy a go-cart? Maybe with our tax refund? Let’s get working on those taxes… what are you guys doing over there? Let’s get to work here.

LB: (sigh)

You know… reading that back… I’m thinking that there is never going to be a time when they find out that it’s perfectly normal to have three brains vying for control of things up there. Go ahead and throw the veggies… we don’t blame you.