Young Hedon Warbucks

A while back Salena of The Daily Rant asked what kind of job an 11-year-old might have that required business cards. Well I’ll tell you… it all started out innocently enough. I started mowing my mom’s and dad’s yard for a few dollars a week when I was eleven.

Hedon as a tow-headed tycoon in the making? No.

Then I got the idea that I could probably mow half the yards in the neighborhood because we lived in an area of town with lots of old ladies, but dad didn’t like the idea of me taking their lawn mower all over the neighborhood. So I struck a deal with Mom and Dad. After some tense negotiating, we agreed that if they would let me use the lawn mower whenever I wanted, I would mow their lawn every week for free and I would buy all the gas for the mower. Also, if I left said lawn mower in a neighbor’s yard at the end of the day, they would get to chop one of my arms off… but I would get to chose which arm. Fair enough.

I guess it didn’t really require business cards, but it was the first business I ever owned and I was so proud of it that I handed out my “business cards” everywhere I went. It had taken quite a bit of finagling to make Hedon’s Lawn Care Emporium a reality. I was sure my secret plan for World Domination was well under way. I couldn’t really say what my World Domination plan involved back then, but I was pretty sure it involved owning a successful business and having your own money that you had earned. That was the year I told my mom and dad that I didn’t want an allowance anymore and they could split mine up between my younger brother and sister. I was an entrepreneurial stud.

The Emporium, as I would have called it had I known the term, quickly worked up to about 12 yards per week that summer, so things were looking pretty good. Then I came smack up against something I hadn’t accounted for in my business plan … lawns die when it gets cold. You’d think I would have taken that into account … I mean it’s not like winter was some sort of new invention or something. What a numb-nuts.

So winter rolled around and I was screwed cause I had no income at the moment and was too proud to ask for my allowance back. What to do. What to do. It so happened that my Grandpa owned a small-town grocery store and I went down to ask him for a job. It wasn’t as cool as working for myself, but hey, it was income. Grandpa put me to work after school sweeping up, rinsing and restocking empty soda bottles, and bagging groceries. It was a living. And I got to hang out with Grandpa which was excellent.

Things might have gone on like that all winter, but my brain was always working the possibilities. I started “helping” Grandpa prepare his weekly grocery order and it suddenly occurred to my little 12-year-old pea-brain that he paid a lot less for stuff than he was charging for it on the shelves. Hmmm … I asked Grandpa if anybody could “order groceries” from his guy, and he said yes, if they had the money, he could add anything onto his order for them. Cool!!

Building blocks for the future empire? No

I took days and studied the candy aisle carefully. Finally I decided on a case of Grape Bubble Yum gum which was brand new and a case of little sweet-tart candy rings that were very popular right then. Grandpa said he would order them for me but he demanded the cash up front cause that’s how they do it in business. He was a cool old guy. I paid up and waited with ants in my pants until the next Tuesday when my stuff finally came on the truck. Oh glorious day!

The very next day I trotted off to school with pockets well-stocked and firmly back on the road to World Domination via Hedon’s Super Superior Snack Bar located at Locker 114, open before school and between classes all day every day. I remember sales were kinda slow the first few days, but it didn’t take long until I had to buy a large backpack to be able to lug my product to school every day. I was making a KILLING every single day. I was buying eight and nine cases of candy from Grandpa every week. I was on top of the world.

Then something happened that I had failed to account for in my retail business plan. Apparently it was against school rules to sell candy at school. Who knew? I had no idea. But as it turns out, if you got caught selling candy at school they would haul you down to the office, call your mom and suspend you for three days. That sort of attitude on the part of “the man” will really put a crimp in any World Domination plans you might have had. Luckily, my mom was outraged that they would suspend me for what she considered to be “old fashioned go-getterness,” so I didn’t get in trouble at home. And getting suspended caused such a stir in my class that for a while I was considered quite cool.

Cool perhaps… but once again out of luck on the World Domination front. Hmmm… I was going to have to give this thing more thought next time…

In the next installment of Hedon’s path to World Domination, we will examine more misguided plans including flea market used book store, pre-dawn contract donut delivery person, and professional washer-woman.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~