Hagwire campaign update
Scandal leaves election in disarray
John McCain IS NOT John McCain
by Hagwire staff
Hagwire (HW) Home, MO — In a shocking revelation that has left the nation slack-jawed in disbelief, it was revealed yesterday evening at a rally in Raleigh, N.C., for presidential candidate John McCain, that John McCain is actually not John McCain. It is now known that for many weeks, the man everyone thought was John McCain is actually Herbert Nonotwhat, a Raleigh man suffering from elderly dementia.
Events unfolded in a remarkable manner. McCain had hardly begun his speech to the crowd at the North Carolina rally when a voice cut through the McCain rhetoric. Witnesses report that a middle-aged woman began yelling, “Daddy!” and started pushing her way through the crowd.
Fred Rightly, an Durham native, said, “I was right near the front cause I wanted to hear real good, especially that part about Bomma raisin’ taxes, that’s my favorite part of what he says, and it’d hardly got started when this lady just shoved right past me callin’ for her daddy for all she was worth. I thought, woowee, she’s a loony toon. Best stay out of that’uns way.”
The woman was intercepted by security members before she could reach the stage. When they began to remove her from the area, “McCain” surprised everyone by saying, “Marge? Is that you, Marge? Marge! Hey you! That’s Marge, you socialist terrorists!”
Security members didn’t realize “McCain” was referring to them, and something of a melee ensued until at last everyone, including “McCain,” was wrestled backstage. The confused crowd milled around for a bit, numerous people screeching about where the socialist terrorists might be. Within 10 minutes, a member of the McCain campaign announced to all that the evening would be ended early.
One rally attendee, Sylvia Dullip of Salem, N.C., described what followed, “We weren’t having none of that ‘early evening’ nonsense, so we started shouting about how we wanted McCain. We had our chant going pretty good when all of a sudden, McCain busts from out back the stage, rips his shirt off and starts whoopin’ and wavin’ his shirt over his head and yelling something like ‘I’m gonna be the president!’ We didn’t know what to think about that shirt business, though lots of us were real glad he had on an undershirt. Anyway, that sure was some mighty fine enthusiasm he had goin’, so we just yelled with him, ‘Yeah, you’re gonna be president!’”
It was then that “Marge” ran up behind “McCain” and began patting him on the head and whispering in his ear. When other campaign members tried to approach the pair, she shouted at them to stay back. In a matter of moments, “McCain” had calmed himself, and with her arm around “McCain,” “Marge” stepped up to the dais and began to tell the story that would rock Washington and the nation.
“Please, everyone,” she said, “if you could stop your mindless chanting for just one moment, I have something to tell you. Thank you. My name is Julia Hamston. This man you see here and who you think is John McCain is actually my father, Herbert Nonotwhat.”
The crowd began to boo Ms. Hamston and numerous members of the audience called out that this was some evil trick by those “God-forsaken Devilcrats,” and that it was another “Socialist plot.”
Ms. Hamston shouted over the crowd, “No, no, you senseless rabble! For god’s sake. You don’t even know what a socialist is. And anyway, this isn’t about politics. This is about my poor daddy! He’s been missing for weeks now and I’ve been looking everywhere for him. And this is him! Shush there, Daddy. It’s okay.” Ms. Hamston then took a few moments to pat her wall-eyed father on the head and once again calm him to some semblance of normalcy.
“Listen people,” Hamston continued, “I don’t know what these people have been thinking, putting my daddy up here and pretending to everyone that he’s John McCain. This man is Herbert Nonotwhat. He is my daddy and he has elderly dementia. He got lost and now I’ve found him. I’m serious! Quit booing. Okay, shut up. Daddy, listen to me. Tell them your name, Daddy. Go on now.”
Nonotwhat smiled, leaned into the microphone and said, “Thank you, Marge. My friends … I’m Grandpa Abe Simpson … and I’m going to be president!”
Ms. Hamston said, “See people? Come on, now. He called me Marge and thinks he’s Abe Simpson. Would John McCain say something as nutty as that?”
Members of the crowd shrugged and it was clear Hamston had further confused them with her question. At this point, Ms. Hamston appeared to lose all patience with the audience and departed with her father in tow, who waved his shirt at everyone in parting.
More general melee ensued. Three hours later, in the lobby of the Hotel Raleigh, campaign staff member Harry Bottompeckingorder addressed the press in a conference.
Bottompeckingorder said that the information given at the rally by Julia Hamston had since been confirmed. John McCain was actually Herbert Nonotwhat, or at least had been since early September. Mr. Nonotwhat , it was now known, did indeed suffer from elderly dementia, sometimes thinking he was Abe Simpson of the Fox cartoon “The Simpsons,” sometimes thinking he was John McCain, and sometimes thinking he was the character, Maverick, from the movie “Top Gun.” It is unclear exactly how many different people Nonotwhat thought he might be, but most definitely he never thought he might be himself.
“We believe Mr. Nonotwhat to be completely innocent of any scheme to discredit John McCain or to defraud the American public. As for those of us working on the campaign, side-by-side with Senator Mc … uh … Nonot … uh, whatever, we had no idea something was wrong. We’ve been too busy frantically scrambling to find another job come November, so I guess we just didn’t pay as close attention to McCain, or uh, Nonotwhat as the case may be, as we should have.”
In response to some disbelieving looks from the press pool, Bottompeckingorder said, “In our defense, we did wonder why when we asked him if he had any input on where to go to campaign next he always answered, “Springfield.” We’d ask him, “Which Springfield?” And he’d just say, “Duh, the one next to Shelbyville!” I guess we just thought the stress was getting to him, you know? This has all been a horrible, horrible but innocent mistake.”
He said that while none of the staff had been aware of the switch, they now believed they understood how it happened.
“It was a bit after he announced Sarah Palin as his running mate,” said Bottompeckingorder. “Senator McCain was really depressed. He told several of us that he couldn’t believe that after 40 years of climbing the political ladder and finally being so close to the top he could almost touch it, that he had to nominate for vice president a woman with no experience, little knowledge of politics and a voice that would shrivel a billy goat’s penis. Nominating Palin was just too desperate a move for him to truly stomach. He just kept repeating, ‘What was I thinking?’”
“He said that what with trying to distance himself from President Bush and the rest of the Republican party, having to contend also with a political “infant” (his word, not mine), who doesn’t even have enough experience to know how to properly get your brother-in-law fired without getting caught … well, it was just too much for him.”
McCain then told staff members that he was going to take a walk. When he didn’t return three hours later, staff members went out to search the city for him.
Bottompeckingorder continued, “It took awhile, but we found him, or … er … we thought we found him. Looks like we actually found Mr. Nonotwhat. Anyway, he was standing naked in a dumpster behind a Burger King. Now you may think this was odd. But not really. I mean, he was disoriented, so we figured he’d been mugged and hit on the head; and when he came to, he got hungry; but he didn’t have any money so he had to go dumpster diving; so he took off all his clothes to keep them clean; and while he was in the dumpster a homeless person came by and took his clothes. Don’t give me those looks! You know we’re political strategists — it’s our job to make up this sort of crap. We can’t be blamed if our training somehow spills over into real life. Anyway, the date of this event matches up with the date that Mr. Nonotmuch was reported missing.”
Up to this point in the press conference, media members had quietly sat and listened with heads shaking, appearing somewhat shell-shocked. Now they roused themselves to reality and began to harangue Bottompeckingorder with so many questions that he wilted to the floor and had to be carried away on a stretcher. He was soon replaced by a different campaign member, Isaac Rificiallamb.
There really wasn’t all that much to learn that hadn’t already been said, but everyone worded their questions differently so it would seem like they were saying something new. Isaac Rificiallamb did his own re-wording and a good long time was had by all.
One interesting fact did emerge from all the restatements of requestions of re-restatements. It regards the question of Joe the Plumber. Ms. Hamston told campaign staff that Joe the Plumber is the name her father uses for her husband, who is actually named Clyde Hamston and who works as an accountant for a chain tax preparation firm. Mr. Nonotwhat had long been confused regarding Mr. Hamston’s job and continually roamed about his home neighborhood, annoying people with wheezing complaints that raising taxes would leave Joe the Plumber a penniless man.
After the conference, about a hundred McCain supporters from the rally had gathered outside the hotel, waving around signs hastily drawn on cardboard. One sign read, “We Still Believe in You, John/Herbert/Grandpa-Simpson!” Another claimed, “A Fake McCain — Still Better than A Real Socialist.” This made no sense to anyone.
However, many other things are starting to make some sense now.
>> Many had been wondering about McCain’s increasingly frequent eye ticks, body twitches and inappropriate outbursts of the exclamation, “Eh.” A neuroscientist explains that Nonotwhat’s elderly dementia may be co-presenting with Tourette’s Syndrome. Extreme paranoia can also co-present with elderly dementia and may account for McCain/Nonotwhat’s obsession with the relationship between Barack Obama and Bill Ayers. (Read the full story on page 4)
>> As of press time, everyone continues to scramble to decide what it all means for the election, the nation, the world and universe as a whole. This is expected to take a very long time, consuming hundreds, if not thousands, of hours of television time, vast forests worth of newspaper, and uncountable bits of data. (Read about the potential environmental impact of the McCain scandal on page 7)
>> Nonotwhat’s predilection for the Maverick character from “Top Gun” may explain why, in private, he had begun referring to running mate Sarah Palin as “Goose.” Our political expert contends that’s not so, that Nonotwhat may be more savvy than we think. (Read his argument on how Sarah Palin actually is a silly goose on page 9)
>> A member of the Obama campaign released a simple statement which only said, “We told you he was crazy.” Much debating will have to be done to make sure everyone understands what that means. Did the Obama camp know about the switch? Were they deliberately vague in calling McCain crazy, in order to cover their bases when the truth came out? (Read more outlandish gibberish on what the Obama camp did or did not imply in their simple message on page 2)
>> After Isaac Rificiallamb left the press conference at Hotel Raleigh, nary a Republican leader can be found … anywhere, not even in Washington D.C. at The Swollen Nut, a favorite Republican hangout. Some fear kidnappings from outer space, an alien intrigue which began with McCain but has now become more general in nature. Most people think the missing leaders are just cowards. Alien intrigue or cowards? (Read more on page 2)
>> What does this mean for the presidential election that is only days away? How much can we expect the scandal to affect election results? Reports are already filtering in that many citizens believe “Herbert Nonotwhat” is simply John McCain’s middle name. These reports combined with the signage displayed outside the Hotel Raleigh last night, clearly show how much the intelligence of the U.S. citizenry has degenerated of late. A Harvard psychologist discusses the impact of numbskulls on the democratic process. (Read the full story on page 5)
>> The biggest question of all remains barely asked, and certainly unanswered — where is the real John McCain? We just don’t know. (Read more about how much we don’t know, or actually care much about, what with being incredibly distracted right now, on page 3)
>> In the meanwhile, don’t miss the first interview with Herbert Nonotwhat which will air on “The David Letterman Show” tonight. Additional guests will be “The Simpsons” creator, Matt Groening, and Tom Cruise. Rumor is that Cruise may remove his shirt and wave it around. (Find details in the Entertainment section, page 1)