New Career Paths?

2008 November 21
by Hedon

This is a first in our team-driving trucking career… for the first time ever we have been waiting and ready to haul a load and they have left us sitting here for over 36 hours because they have no load to give us. Truck was finally fixed early yesterday morning and I sent a message to Uriah telling him we were available for a load at any time. We had been sitting here since early Friday afternoon so we were more than ready to get the hell out of Dodge so to speak. Heard nothing from him about a load. Heard nothing all night after he went home. Still hadn’t heard anything when we woke up this morning. Ordinarily he would have been contacting us with charming variations of the phrase “are you done yet? are you done yet?” for hours before the truck was even done, but this time not a word.

It’s obvious that the economy is in far worse shape than we had at first imagined it to be. Freight seems to be alarmingly low. I know based on previous detailed discussions here about our inherent laziness you might think that’s a good thing in our opinion. But we do have to do some work once in a while so this situation has us slightly concerned.

I’ve been thinking about it and trying to decide if this might not be the time to explore different career options. New career choice needs to be something with a casual dress code, flexible hours, very few co-workers, liberal cursing-at-work policy, good money and virtually unlimited World Domination possibilities. Keeping these points in mind, here’s what I’ve come up with:

Possible new careers

>>  School-zone street crossing guard

Pros: Cool uniform. Work alone for the most part. Cool hand-held stop sign is excellent badge of authority which is always good first step in any World Domination plan. Hours are probably fairly flexible — if you get there a few minutes late I’m sure the kids will line up in an orderly manner and wait for you to arrive. Now that I think about it… if you get there early and snag a good parking spot right next to the corner you could probably do the whole thing by just yelling “walk” and “don’t walk” at the kids while hanging your head out the driver’s side window.

Cons: Kids. They’re always either saying snarky things to you or deciding you’re their new best friend. Or both at the same time. Ugh. I’m not sure but I think you might actually be expected to stop traffic with your cool new hand-held stop sign and I mean honestly what am I going to do if they don’t stop — throw my body in between speeding car and Little Johnny? Also, I doubt there is a liberal cursing-at-work policy in this job not to mention the phone calls you’d be getting from one unconscious hand gesture at a car that didn’t want to stop… that means new unlisted phone number would have to come out of your gross earnings.

>>  Gun/Drug/Booze runner

Pros: Casual dress code. Few if any co-workers that you know. Probably do lots of travelling or get a really fast/cool company car or pick-up. More than likely get paid cash thus avoiding annoying income taxes and answering awkward employment questions on tax forms. Company meetings would introduce you to really interesting people who are living life to the fullest. Co-workers likely also interested in World Domination so you’d have something in common.

Cons: Annual review could be quite brutal if your job performance isn’t up to snuff. Swallowing condoms full of drugs. Inserting condoms full of drugs anally… actually that should have been the first one I thought of then we could have quit right there…

>> Tetris Hustler

Pros: Something I’m really good at. Utterly flexible hours. Carpal-tunnel syndrome surgery and new glasses probably tax deductible. Not a big chance that The Mob will try to muscle in on your action. Extremely casual dress code… almost but not quite down to going to work in your boxer-briefs. Good work environment doing something you enjoy with other people who love it as much as you do. Tons of cursing on the job.

Cons: Unlike pool-halls, it’s hard to find a Tetris-Hall in which to hustle. Also due to cursed aging and slowing reflexes I’m now only really qualified to hustle the middle-aged to extremely-old Tetris player. Thumb blisters. Shooting, burning pains in your eyes when you go outside and see sunlight after an 18 hour Tetris session. Chances of World Domination almost none as the world in general is still refusing to be ruled by Tetris players and I’m not nearly good enough to challenge the really good players for Tetris-World-Domination. Not quite sure what the earning potential would be… have to investigate that aspect further.

>> Dog Walker

Pros: Flexible hours and casual dress code. Who doesn’t like cute little puppies? Good possibility for World Domination if can figure out how to converse with dogs and train them for evil schemes — sorta like “Day of the Dolphins” only with dogs. Have heard there’s good money in dog walking but you need to walk several dogs at one time. Curse-all-you-want policy on the job cause after all they’re dogs — they only have a limited knowledge of English and would probably not even understand the more colorful phrases… besides how are they going to tell on you if you curse in front of them?

Cons: Dog hair. Dog poop. Extreme start-up costs — I understand that you need to shoot for walking at least six dogs at one time. This would require six different treadmills arranged in a semi-circle around my recliner. Treadmills are expensive. Know almost nothing about dogs except that they like to sniff each others’ butts and that doesn’t really give us much common ground.

That’s about all I’ve come up with so far that sounds even vaguely appealing. I’ll have to keep thinking about this and see if anything else starts to sound tempting. If you have any suggestions by all means share them below.

6 Responses
  1. 2008 November 21

    Literally laughed out loud (the dog looked up) at your “treadmills arranged in a semi-circle around my recliner.” I got a great visual and I have no visual skills. LOL Thanks for stopping by my site. Great post. I’ll be back.

  2. 2008 November 21

    Well, I worked previously as a drug dealer. Liked a lot about it and it meets most of your requirements. Downsides can be extreme, but then I limited my work to weed only and they were really after the coke dealers at that time and left us alone…

    Lost my connection, though and couldn’t find one I really trusted after that. Regrettably I went straight after that. Pretty boring really. But since I need the husband and his job to afford to drive anymore – well, the whole economy is going to hell in a handbasket and all we can do is watch. Bleah.

  3. 2008 November 21

    Ha! Great post! Hey, you can always come to Ohio, there’s plenty of snow to push around over here. Just don’t take your truck over the innerbelt bridge in cleveland! Danger, danger! Warning, warning!

  4. 2008 November 21

    I love the job choices and especially the dog walking with the treadmills. Ha! That’s my kind of job. Wonder if it would work the same way with horses???

  5. 2008 November 22

    I used to own a hot dog cart for a while, which was totally a blast.

    I mean, you don’t have to go far for lunch….so maybe you guys can start driving one of those “roach coaches”…

    Can you cook?

  6. 2008 November 27

    Ok after giving this much thought I’ve decided to move to Ohio where I will deal pot out the back of my catering truck.

    Sort of gives a whole new meaning to the term “roach coach” doesn’t it?

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