Hags held hostage in home
by Hagwire Staff
Hagwire (HW) Podunkville, Mo. — In what can only be described as an excessive display of alliteration, as our headline proves, Highway Hags Stace and Hedon are currently being held hostage in their home by a person who has identified himself to authorities as “Big Brain.”
According to County Deputy Slim Jones, they received a phone call early this morning.
“Yep, it was pretty early alright,” Jones told reporters. “I was still down to Missymae’s Cafe having my morning cup o’ joe when I got the report of a 9-15 on my radio. That meant a hostage situation was going down somewhere. Now, uh, we lost our book awhile back on what all those number things mean, you know like a 742 or a 611 meaning some such or another. So we just kind of made up our own way of doing things. So don’t go checking that number or anything.”
The two members of the press who were present, assured Jones no checking would be done and that, frankly, they were relieved to have the burden of research lessened, not that anyone bothered with it much anyway, and they welcomed the opportunity to assuage any remnant of journalistic conscience they might still have.
“So’s anyway,” Deputy Jones continued, “I walked on over to the office and sure enough, Little Betsy told me some fella callin’ himself ‘Big Brain’ had called and said he was holding two hostages down to the trailer park. Little Betsy is the Sheriff’s niece. She might be a bit young, being only 16 and all, but she does a good job, works cheap, and I ain’t got no reason to be doubting she was telling the truth of what she heard.”
“So’s I called up Cooter Jim to come and back me up. Cooter Jim’s a reserve deputy we call in when we got some big action goin’ down, since it’s only the Sheriff and me keeping the law and order around here, and what with the Sheriff being gone fishing up to Lake Pomdeetar, I’d be needing Cooter to help out.”
Deputies Jones and Cooter Jim arrived at the scene at approximately 9:30 a.m. Not wanting to endanger the hostages by revealing a police presence, they set up a base of operations in a next-door-neighbor’s trailer, the home of Althea Doort.
Doort said that she didn’t normally keep a close watch on the couple, but just peeked through her shades at their trailer every now and then when she felt sure no one was looking. Doort reported no unusual activity at the Hag residence this morning, except that the two women seemed to be awake earlier than normal.
“They’s a couple of laze-abouts, usually,” Doort said. “They don’t get themselves out of bed until after noon. The good Lord only knows what they stay up so late a doin’ and I don’t spend no time thinking about it neither. Don’t serve nothing but the Devil to be paying too much attention to a couple of lezbiands like those two heathens. Somethin’ oughta be done about it, but I always say let Jesus do the judging and I’ll keep my eyes turned to heaven.”
Doort then asked the reporters if they had been saved by the Lord, and if they wanted some crumb cake.
At 11 a.m., Jones received word from Little Betsy that Big Brain had called again, this time with demands.
“The way she told me,” said Jones, “is that this Big Brain fella was making all kinds of threats. Said he was torturing the two hags by repeatedly singing the first two lines from some song in a movie opera called ‘Carmen Jones.’ I ain’t never heard of it, but Little Betsy said she had and that this was just awful. Something about ‘Love’s a baby that grows up wild and it won’t do what you ask it to,’ or some such. I don’t know. Little Betsy was thinking it was pretty rough, and that Big Brain sang it to her, and like I said before, I ain’t got no reason to doubt what she told me.”
Big Brain told Little Betsy that if his demands weren’t met, he would begin stage two of the torture, singing, over and over, the theme song of the cartoon “The Smurfs.” The words to this song are, “La la, la-la la la, la la-la la la,” set to a perky tune that has been known to cause seizures in lab rats.
“So’s anyway,” said Jones, “I asked Little Betsy what it was that this Big Brain fella was wanting, and she said it was kind of confusing, but she thought he wanted a nickname. Guess he went on and on about how that Ghengis Khan was cool. I think Ghengis Khan was some old Asian guy way back when, but I don’t know what he has to do with anything. Then Big Brain said something about a Gore-gone. We ain’t got no idea about what that is. All we know is he don’t like Gore-gones.”
“Little Betsy said next thing you know, he was a talking about how that one hag, Hedon I think it was, didn’t take him seriously about needing a cool nickname. He said he didn’t have no choice but to make them suffer, and that suffering was a sad thing. Too many people suffer in this world and why doesn’t someone do something about it. He said we should think about suffering folks more, and how we could help, and how we should set up plans and … well, Little Betsy said she kind of stopped listening after that, since Big Brain was on some kind of a roll, and you could only listen to such stuff for so long.”
“I felt bad for her, and told her that next time he called, she should patch him through to me,” Jones said. “She said she did hear at one point how Big Brain might also be wanting a fully-fueled jet airplane, but she wasn’t sure what he might need that for, except that he seemed to think it was something you asked for when you have hostages. Then he said to never mind, that he wanted a jet pack instead, and that someone or other had been promising for years that everyone would have a jet pack by now. Then it was something about ‘The Jetsons,’ and Betsy said she stopped listening again.”
The authorities are currently uncertain how to proceed. Cooter Jim suggested they call the FBI and ask them to send down a professional hostage negotiator, while Deputy Jones thought a better idea would be to call the high school and see if the fancy college-educated teachers could think of a good nickname for Big Brain, and worry about the jet pack later. Althea Doort said she would have suggested calling her preacher and starting a prayer circle to save the hags from that demon, except that, she explained, “It don’t do no good to pray for a couple of unrepentant sinners like those two. I say let the Devil take care of his own, what with them two bein’ his spawn and all.”
The only thing which is certain, is that time is running out. If a suitable nickname is not offered to Big Brain by 6 p.m., he has threatened to begin the second stage of torture, “The Smurfs” song, a fate not to be wished on anyone. As of press time, the debate over what action to take was still ongoing.
All we can do is wait and hope. And pray that the crumb cake lasts the afternoon.