Bigger Loser
In her last post, Hedon talked about watching the season finale of “The Biggest Loser.” Like her, I have to have something to eat while watching the show. I have no idea what the hell that’s about.
I’ve been watching this show since its beginnings, back in the day when Caroline Rhea hosted it. The first season was very different from those which came later. It was immediately clear that the intention of the show was to humiliate fat people. When they met for elimination, Caroline would inform the contestants that it was “time to cut the fat.” Team challenges were designed to make the contestants look ridiculous, feel badly about themselves, etc.
I wish I could have been in the production office when they learned that in spite of their best efforts, Americans were being inspired, not amused, by the people on this program. As any good producers would, they jumped on board and the show has changed considerably over the years. It’s gotten so touchy-feely that even the kick-ass, take-no-prisoners trainer, Jillian Michaels, has become lovey-dovey with shocking regularity.
This is a program that consistently gets me all teary-eyed and runny-nosed. The only reality show that kicks me into higher emotion overdrive is “Extreme Makeover: Home Edition.” Damn them and their heartwarming stories turning me into a blubbering idiot. I watched one episode of the recent “The Secret Millionaire” and had to swear off it immediately, it being of the “Extreme Makeover” ilk.
I didn’t watch this just-finished season of “The Biggest Loser,” only the finale, but not because it makes me cry too much. I passed on it because my TiVO didn’t get the first three episodes while I was on the road, and this is because they titled it “The Biggest Loser: Family Edition,” or somesuch, and my TiVO Season Pass is for “The Biggest Loser,” and is incapable of understanding it’s all the same thing. Stupid TiVO. I’m sick of missing the first few episodes of these kinds of shows, so I decided to pass.
I can’t deny that, like Hedon, it has passed my mind to apply to be a contestant on “The Biggest Loser.” Certain things hold me back. First, look at what they make these women wear on national television: skin tight shorts and sports bras. I can’t bear the thought of seeing myself in such a getup if I were alone in the bathroom in front of the mirror, never mind letting millions of people get a gander at it. There is no way those skimpy sports bras would hold my big boobs in check. The consequences are too hideous to contemplate.
Second, my skin flushes dark red whenever I exercise, especially on my face. It has always done so. It’s just how I’m made. I’ve noticed that they never have women on the show who flush badly while exercising. Probably doesn’t make good TV somehow, what with everyone being afraid you’re going to keel over dead any moment. I’d think it would be the opposite, that it would bring drama to every workout. They must have some other reason for discriminating against red-faced women.
Third, my face is really fat. If you pay attention, you’ll notice that the fat people on “The Biggest Loser” have faces that are thinner looking than the rest of their bodies would suggest. Hedon has a face like that, so she’d be okay, but me, I’m all about the fat cheeks and multiple chins.
Fourth, I’m female and over 40, meaning my metabolism is slower than dial-up. It would be virtually impossible for me to win against younger women, and men of any age.
Fifth, under such extreme stress as a regime like this program would induce in me, I would likely snap and shoot my mouth off at my team mates, getting me booted at the first opportunity. I’ve never had a strong brain-to-mouth filter, and have spent most of my adult years trying to strengthen it. I’ve come a long way from my mouthy youth, but the stress of “The Biggest Loser” magnitude would completely shred the filter I’ve worked so hard to strengthen. Oh, it would make good TV, but it wouldn’t help me win $250,000. I don’t even have any fat-related illnesses to use to emotionally blackmail my competitors into keeping me around in spite of my obnoxious ways. I’d be screwed.
I realize that this show isn’t all about the prize money, it’s about getting healthy, blah blah blah, but we are talking about $250,000 here. If you figure between the feds and the state sharks you’d get to keep about half of that, we’re still talking $125,000. That’s a lot of money. We could buy our own truck. If I were to be on “The Biggest Loser” I’d by god be playing to win. I don’t believe I could win.
So I’ll never be among the hordes of overweight Americans who apply to be on this show. Hmm, maybe I could convince Hedon to apply. Oh hell, I forgot, they’d make her quit smoking. She’d never go for it. Gonna have to earn the money to buy our own truck the slow, paycheck-by-paycheck way.
I wouldn’t be able to go on the show because I’d mouth off to my trainer that was yelling obnoxiously at me. I have a trainer now, and I asked for him because he’s the one trainer there that doesn’t yell at his clients. I know they’re trying to motivate you and blah-blah-blah, but it doesn’t cut it for me.
OK…these last two posts have cracked me up when it comes to ‘The Biggest Looser’ stuff. I would probably have to eat if actually watched. But I turn it off as quickly as possible so I don’t get my noggin all warped from wanting to beat the crap out of the trainers or the contestants if they cry too much.
I’m probably pathetic for that ‘contestants if they cry too much’ thing. But seriously, why do they have to do it on national television?
Shit, if you’re serious, you should apply. They’d eat up women truckers trying to get them on the show!
I love that show, but like you missed the first few episodes this season and just watched the end. Alison Sweeney (the new host) is on my soap, so I enjoy watching her too.
But I also cry over the show. I baul. That show has come a long way. I think it’s phemonimal. Got my son moving that’s for sure.
Hi Raven,
I’m with you — that yelling thing wouldn’t work for me. And it sure as hell wouldn’t work if I was paying them to train me.
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MongolianGirl,
LOL! I can’t stand it when they cry all the time. It does tend to even out things out though when a contestant cries all the time — cause next thing I know I’m cheering for the trainer to yell at them. “Yell at him! Make him puke! Give her something to cry about.” So it all works out good in the end.
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Sheila,
I tell you what I would do if I knew I was going to be on ‘Biggest Loser’ at some point in the future. I would grow my hair really seriously long and dye it something that didn’t look very good on me. If I were a guy I would grow my hair really long and also grow a freakishly long mountain-man style beard.
This would be great for two possible outcomes. If you got voted off really early, maybe when you went home and changed your hair back to normal fewer people would notice you as the loser who got voted off the show right away.
If you made it through that early period, you know there would be a week when you were feeling like you might fall below the yellow line at the weigh-in. That’s the week when you make a point to tell everybody “you’re feeling like a completely new person on the inside” and right before the weigh-in you go in the bathroom and shave every bit of that hair off. You know… just to mark the change in your attitude. And hey if your impromptu makeover happens to shave a few pounds off your weight well that’s just gravy, isn’t it?
There might be a rule against that, but the way I see it, if there isn’t a rule against head shaving then it’s not cheating. I would never cheat in a competition, but I’d do anything possible to win if it was within the rules… well and if it didn’t violate my personal code of ethics, of course.
Not like those dumb-asses who go on Survivor and haven’t even learned how to make fire before they get there. Sigh.
I’m not sure how I’d react to the yelling trainers. My last exposure to such a thing was a million years ago in high school with my basketball coach. He once told us that if we didn’t win the game he wouldn’t be able to buy food for his kids. I was appalled. Now, because I’m something of a sicko, I think it’s hilarious. So, no telling how I’d react.
I know how Hedon would react. She’d bull up and cease to listen. Hedon HATES it when people tell her what to do, even when they’re not yelling.
As for the crying, I get annoyed also when the contestants cry too much. Hell, I get annoyed at myself for crying along with them. I can excuse how emotional the contestants are because of the isolation and high pressure of their situation. There’s no excuse for me, I’m afraid. I tend to cry whenever people around me cry. Got no idea why I do that.
Lordy, Sheila, you and I watching these types of shows together … well, I don’t know how many boxes of tissues we’d need. LOL.
I think it’s adorable when you cry with them. Your empathy is one of the many many reasons why you’re the best person I know. And the cutest… even with your eyes all red and your nose running…
I’ve never watched the show but have seen the contestants in interviews afterward. They look amazing! Although the idea of someone to guide and encourage me every step of the way sounds great and most likely more successful than anything I’m doing I will have to do it the old fashioned way too. Man, I hate that!
I TOTALLY think we should all apply for the show – maybe they could do a complete trucker version. I think I’m going to write to them and suggest the idea. I’m not competitive though, although the money appeals to me and I’m freakishly good at manipulation to get things to go my way, so I might have a shot. LOL
I don’t watch the show too often because we took our TV out of the truck, but I have seen the results of their efforts and it always inspires me. Of course, when I realize it involves hours upon hours of exercise, I decide it’s more fun to think about it than to actually DO it.
I’m thinking you’re going to get to see exactly how it would go down if Stace and I were on the Biggest Loser if you read her On The Set posts. They read frighteningly real to me.