On the set II

Day One (afternoon): Set of “The Biggest Loser: Couples,” the Biggest Loser Ranch, main living room. The contestants have all been handed a set of clothing. Standing off to the side, Hedon and Stace stare at their clothes in shock.

Hedon: They’re black.

Stace: I know.

Hedon: Could this day get any worse? First, I had to throw away my cigarettes. Then there was that god-awful walk. And now this.

Stace: Maybe Jillian isn’t the trainer for the black team this season.

Hedon: (snorts) Oh yeah, like they’re going to give Bob the color black. It’s Jillian. You know it is.

Stace: I know. I was just trying to make you feel better.

Hedon: Then give me a cigarette.

Stace: Never mind. You never should have told the producers you didn’t want Jillian as a trainer. So … let’s check out the competition. Who else is on our team?

Hedon: (glances around room) Oh great, Chipper Woman is on our team.

Stace: But on the bright side, so is the 500 pound man. He ought to give our team an edge at the weigh-ins.

Hedon: Maybe. But he’s the only person here who we beat on that 40-mile trek up to the house.

Stace: We didn’t beat him. We were last.

Hedon: We almost beat him. If he would have stopped to tie his shoe like any normal person would have done, we would have beat him. Who goes walking around with a shoestring flapping loose like that? I mean, honestly. He should have stopped. Then we would have beat him. So it’s like we actually did beat him.

Stace: …

Hedon: I said, we beat him.

Stace: (sigh)

Their discussion is interrupted when some assistant or other tells them to go to their rooms and put on their new outfits. A half hour later, Hedon and Stace make their way down the stairs to the next meeting place.

Stace: (yanking on her sports bra) You know, this is even more humiliating than I had anticipated. It appears the horror of this day is of the ever-increasing sort.

Hedon: You look fine. I look like an idiot in this getup.

Stace: (pulling her shorts out of her ass) I appreciate your attempts to make me feel better, however, my nicotine withdrawal urge to kill someone is now melding with the anxiety that my boobs are going to pop out of this bra at any moment and the overwhelming desire to do whatever might be necessary to get a moment’s rest in this god-forsaken place. It’s an ugly, ugly combination. There’s no appeasing it.

Hedon: …

Stace: Wise woman.

Everyone gathers in the main room again. The contestants applaud as Jillian and Bob appear. The trainers give them a brief talking to (sure enough, Hedon and Stace are on Jillian’s team), then the trainers lead them to the big room with the giant scale for the first weigh-in. Hedon and Stace remain dutifully quiet as Allison introduces herself and begins the weigh-in, gently smiling her empathy as pairs of contestants, one after the other, are mortified by the numbers on the giant displays.

After the weigh-in, Hedon and Stace find themselves once again standing around, waiting with the others to be told what to do next.

Hedon: Jesus. I think that weigh-in just scarred me for life.

Stace: Pretty bad, was it?

Hedon: Hell yeah. I mean, I knew it was bad, but not THAT bad. This is going to haunt me forever. I’ll probably become a homicidal maniac eventually, because of this day, wanting bloody revenge on all of mankind for sucker-punching my sense of self worth and pride. It’s that twisted.

Stace: (readjusting bra over giant fat lady boobs) I’m sorry it was that bad. How much did you weigh?

Hedon: You know. Don’t make me say it.

Stace: No, I don’t know. I wasn’t even there.

Hedon: My god, it’s worse than I thought. You’ve lost your mind from the terror of it all.

Stace: Oh no. I’m sane. I know I was there, but I wasn’t really there. I went to my happy place for the whole thing.

Hedon: The happy place with the hammock and the field and the …

Stace: The cool breezes as I slowly rock side to side. Yep. That one. I didn’t see a thing, or hear it, really.

Hedon: That explains your reaction when Allison asked how you felt about how much you weighed.

Stace: What did I do?

Hedon: You just smiled real goofy and said, “How cute.”

Stace: Ah, that must have been when the bunny rabbit jumped past my hammock.

Hedon: (frowning) Why didn’t you let me in on the secret? I could have gone to a happy place, too.

Stace: I would have. Except it just came to me as I was standing there in that room wondering how many times that one cameraman was going to zoom in on my saggy boobs and giant fat gut as I waddled up to the scales. I think my brain just went into a protective mode. I’ll have to see if there’s some research on this.

Hedon: Well, anyway. That’s just great. I’m going to be the only homicidal maniac in the family. I thought there’d be two of us. We could have gone to the Big House together. Now I’ll wind up with some new big scary girlfriend who won’t want to hear about how I decapitated all my victims because of the trauma of being weighed on “The Biggest Loser.”

Stace: I’ll send you Diet Coke, cake and cigarettes.

Hedon: That’s something, I guess. Oh no, they’re coming back. There’s Jillian. Did I just hear them right? After all this we’re going to go work out now? These people are insane. At bare minimum I need a four hour nap. Who are they kidding? I think they’re serious. Look, the other contestants are leaving, going into the gym. What are we going to do? I can’t take it. We need a plan. Give us an excuse to get out of this, Stace.

Stace: (goofy smile on her face) Oh look, a squirrel is standing on that branch, waving at me.

Hedon: Damn it! Quit going to your happy place without me!

Next time On the Set: The first workout.