Misplaced article

2009 February 4
by Stace

While we were home last time, I got the local paper as usual. Apparently, I shoved it in a bag that then got shoved in the truck, and quickly forgotten. Thanks to the boobery of TWMNBN forgetting to schedule our loading appointment, we had all day to piddle around. I found the paper today and discovered this article which might be of interest.

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Local resident missing, feared dead

by Hagwire staff

Hagwire (HW) Home, MO — Field Mouse was reported missing from his winter home last Thursday by his relatives who live in a nearby pasture. Authorities have no leads as to the current whereabouts of Field Mouse, and have asked area residents to keep an eye out for the tiny citizen.

Another Field Mouse made the initial call to the local Sheriff’s Office. Another Field Mouse’s exact relationship to Field Mouse is difficult to ascertain, but runs along the lines of second cousin twice removed on the maternal side and third cousin once removed on the paternal.

“I was dropping by for a chat,” said Another Field Mouse. “He had a pretty sweet gig going. There was this big old bag of dog food on the counter that was just — YUM! So I thought I’d drop by and see what was happening, but I couldn’t find Field Mouse anywhere. I thought maybe he’d gone out for a stroll, so I had a bit of dog food and waited, but he never came home.”

Yet Another Field Mouse, also called authorities about his missing third nephew twice removed on the … whatever. Yet Another Field Mouse believes foul play may be involved in his nephew’s, cousin’s, whatever, disappearance.

“I had warned him not to stay in that house,” said Yet Another Field Mouse. “Only a couple of week’s before, some nutty fellow took him and the others in the house hostage. It came out okay, but that sort of thing leaves bad mojo in the air. Probably that psycho Fernando did him in so Field Mouse wouldn’t testify against him in court.”

“I say you shouldn’t go around tempting fate, not even for a giant bag of delicious dog food,” Yet Another Field Mouse concluded.

Authorities aren’t as quick to conclude the worst. County Deputy Slim Jones, who is leading the investigation into the disappearance, said there is little evidence pointing to any criminal act that may have been perpetrated on the missing mouse.

“Well now,” said Deputy Jones, “what you’ve got to understand is how them there mice get around. They’s always runnin’ around from somesuch place to another. And they don’t have no cell phones to tell folks where they’re goin’. I figure he just wandered off to greener pastures. That’d be just like ‘em.”

When asked about any evidence they may have found at the house, Deputy Jones replied, “Well now, everything looked real normal to me, pretty much just like it did when I was there for the hostage crisis. Cooter Jim, he’s that fella who helps me out when the sheriff is off fishing, he found some strange green mouse turds, er, I mean, excreements, next to some green pellets in a little box. We didn’t know what that stuff was, so we took a sample and sent it off to the state lab.”

Deputy Jones said lab results could take six months to six years.

He continued, “We sure would appreciate anybody out there with information on where Field Mouse might be, to call the Home County Sheriff’s Office. It’d sure put those furry critter’s mind’s at ease if ya did.”

Yet Another Field Mouse expressed dissatisfaction with the investigation.

“Those big people don’t care anything about what happens to us mice,” he said. “Just last summer, an entire family went missing during lawn mowing season, and all Deputy Jones did was stare around the lawn muttering, ‘Ayup.’ If they keep discriminating against us, I’m going to contact my uncle, thrice removed, who lives in the city at that lawyer’s house. I’ll ask him about filing a class action suit against the Sheriff’s Department.”

When told about these plans, Deputy Jones rolled his eyes and said, “Yackity yack yack. Them field mice is always squeakin’ on about somethin’ or another.”

Althea Doort lives next door to the residence from which Field Mouse disappeared. Reporters asked her if she noticed anything out of the ordinary at the time the mouse went missing.

Doort told reporters, “I don’t know why you folks keep a comin’ over here. I tell ya, I don’t pay no attention to the devil’s doin’s over there. You’re just here for some more of my crumb cake, aintcha?”

Indeed, we were.

Family members have offered a reward for any information regarding Field Mouse’s current whereabouts. Through the combined efforts of the large extended Mouse family, the reward has grown to six ounces of stored seeds.

A candlelight vigil for Field Mouse will be held Saturday evening in the cow pasture next to the crumbling log by the creek.

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Apparently, a missing mouse is not a high priority at the Sheriff’s Office, since we were not contacted about this incident while we were at home. We feel for the Mouse family in their time of distress. And for the record, we don’t know anything about those little green pellets.

5 Responses
  1. 2009 February 4

    I’ll light my tribute candle. lol

  2. 2009 February 4

    Too funny. I’ve got one of dem dere meeces in my garage who’s been nibbling on boxes and such. Lord help him if he makes it into the house.

  3. 2009 February 5

    My condolences to the Mouse Family. You and your associates are obviously in the mafia. Doing away with poor little mousies… How did you find cement shoes to fit?

  4. 2009 February 6

    Funny, funny, funny! Hey, and how did you know ‘we’ had mice here, at the QC homestead? :)

  5. 2009 February 11

    Yeah, I may have shed a tear or two as I was cleaning up the last of the poison-colored, uh, er, greenish droppings. Or maybe not. Can’t remember.

    And hey, Alex! Good to see ya!

Comments are closed.