Grade school reports

2009 March 3
by Hedon

You remember how in grade school you would come back to school in the fall and have to write a report of things you did during your vacation? Well this is similar except that it’s things I learned during our time at home. It’s almost exactly the same thing. Except it’s not being graded. And I don’t have to try to figure out how to make the fact that my entire family spent three straight weeks living in a tent down by the lake every summer interesting. Which means I don’t really need to mention that if you take a bath in the lake just after sundown you should use Ivory soap because A) it floats and not all soaps do and B) it’s white so it’s easy to find when you drop it.  Also, if you are taking a bath in the lake just after sunset with your Ivory soap… you should probably leave some type of clothing on because some boats have really powerful headlights. Also, if you are buck naked while taking a bath in the lake just after sunset with your Ivory soap and you get caught in some really powerful boat headlights… it is perfectly acceptable to drop into the water up to your chin and refuse to come out no matter how much your Mom tries to hurry you along so she can go back to the campsite and start supper. Also, if you do get caught buck naked in powerful boat headlights thus forcing you to hunker down in the water up to your neck while your Dad is 40 feet away talking to some idiot guy in a boat for so long that your skin starts to look like something from a CSI crime lab… it’s probably best if you don’t write about all of that when you get back to school that fall.

See I didn’t have to tell you any of that. Consider it a free bonus to the plethora of highly informative tidbits of information that are always swirling around just under the surface here at Hags. You’re very welcome. Actually, this post really is going to be chocked full of fun facts. So in no particular order let’s start listing “Things I learned during our time at home.”

1.  If you don’t make all the casseroles that we usually do include for Thanksgiving, a turkey dinner is not really that big a pain in the ass to make. Especially when you consider that it will last through about three meals plus sandwiches.

2.  Southwest Missouri is getting some sort of creepy mutant snow lately. Or I’ve gotten my hands on a bad batch of rock salt. Or something else sinister is going on. We got about an inch of snow one day which I then stomped on several times and compacted into the deck like a dumb-ass. I threw several handfuls of rock salt on the worst spots and nothing happened! The rock salt just sat there on top of the snow mocking me. I kept checking back during the next several hours to see if anything had happened yet, but everything remained status-quo. Except that I thought I could hear faint mocking laughter that stopped the second I opened the front door all the way. I thought about sneaking out the back door and circling the house to sneak up on the rock salt, but at the time that seemed like a lot of effort. Now I regret not trying it because I guess we’ll never know the true story.

3.  Apparently it is difficult to fly an airplane. Not to mention shooting other airplanes out of the sky while still flying your own plane. I think I mentioned that I have recently purchased a flight-sim game. I had wanted one for a very long time and finally found one that got rave reviews for it’s realism. So I bought it. Then I bought the kick-ass throttle style joystick to go with it. And I bought some cool aviator sunglasses to wear while playing it… but that part didn’t really work out very well since it’s too dark in our living room to wear them. So I just settled for picking my cool flying-dude nickname. Actually, since “Driver” was the best I could come up with that part didn’t work out too well, either. I didn’t care though cause I was ready to fly. Except there was no instruction manual. I did manage to figure out how to take-off from an in-game training “film” but when my fighter group headed out to intercept the enemy the phrase I most often heard was, “What the hell, Four (me), follow the leader’s course.” Except for the time I accidentally shot one of my buddies. They don’t really take that very well at all. There was quite a little bit of cussing involved. Anyway, it’s a lot of fun and I assume I’ll get much better.

4.  Dogs don’t puke all in one place. Especially at 4:00 in the morning. At least Maggie doesn’t. Maggie seems to be in the “eight or nine smaller spots are better than one large area” camp. I assume she was concerned that I might get up in the wee hours of the morning to go to the bathroom and somehow miss one larger spot. But she correctly assumed that I couldn’t possibly miss eight small spots. Nice try, dog, cause I didn’t have to get up, so there! BUT WAIT! Maggie covered that possibility by puking three or four times on my comforter while I was sound asleep under it. As if that wasn’t bad enough… and really it was bad enough… she made it even worse by doing all this the same night Stace had washed the pillow-case-like things that button onto the comforters that are such an incredible pain in the ass to get on. So Stace had to wash them all again the next day. Sigh.

5.  I really should buy some house-shoes. What if I had needed to get up in the night? Nah… I’d never remember to wear them.

6.  Ok… this isn’t really something I learned it’s more something I was reminded of this week. But I don’t want to have to do a whole separate post tomorrow entitled, “Something I was reminded of this last week” cause then I would probably get off on a long rambling thing about how building a camp fire is an art-form and nobody wants that. So I’m including it here. Anyway, I was reminded this week how very much I like Stace’s family. It’s not just that they are good people, although they certainly are. It’s also that they are smart and funny and just a pleasure to be around. I wish we saw them more often.

7.  Again, more something I was reminded of, but I really hate having hair. For some reason that no one really understands I have been letting my hair grow for like a year. Most of us in the know are guessing rampant laziness is the cause. Anyway, it had gotten to about five or six inches long and was absolutely driving me crazy by the time we got home this month. Now it’s back to being about a half inch long on top and a quarter inch on the sides. Ahhh… that’s nice.

8.  I learned that sometime around 1902 over 7,000 people died when a hurricane hit Galveston, TX. Damn. They said the whole island was wiped off the face of the earth for a day or so. Also, in the same program I learned that in the mines of the old-timey west they used to store their blasting powder and tnt in the entrance to a shaft so it would be more convenient. And how did they light the mine shaft holding the mounds of blasting agents? Candles. Candles and gas jets. Now we all know that I am just about as lazy as it gets, but seriously people?! You’re storing your tnt just inside the entrance to the mine so you can save steps? Oh no… I can’t see any problem with that…

9.  I learned that there is apparently no end to the tragedy and injustice in this world. I’m sure when reading that statement you all might be thinking of a million different things, but specifically I’m talking about the American Idol debacle. I don’t know if you’ve heard… although I would be quite surprised if it wasn’t on the nightly news, Larry King, Nightline or something… but some little kid who was a really good singer did not make it into the group of 36.  He was really good friends with a guy who did make it into the 36 and was then voted on into the group of 12. This is especially heartbreaking because kid-who-did-not-make-it was a much better singer than anyone else on this season or the past several seasons as far as that goes. Our hearts go out to him and his family… and really to everyone who has been deprived of his wonderful voice. I’m sure I speak for everyone familiar with the story when I say that we will never forget where we were each of the first 52 times it was brought to our attention that best-singing-kid-ever didn’t make it into the group of 36….

5 Responses
  1. 2009 March 3

    Does this mean you’re going to be making a casserole to eat after you use your new piloting skills to kill the bastard Ozarkian snow and then go over and explode whomever created American Idol? Or something like that…

  2. 2009 March 3

    Re: #4 — Your hair was no longer than 4 inches. Not that I care. I’m just sayin’.

    Re: #9 — This may be one of your finest works of sarcasm to date. Too bad you’ve used it up on an unjust cause. The kid was robbed, dammit!!

    Captcha: 63″ pinch Maher. Too bad Selena didn’t get this juicy one.

  3. 2009 March 3

    Good post. Enjoyed the tidbits of information. However, I really want to know – HOW do you sleep through an animal puking on you??

    And um, re: #4….that button up pillow case thingy? It’s called a DUVET COVER. (doo-vay) lol

    CAPTCHA: 1949 dental (glad I wasn’t around for that tooth pulling disaster.)

  4. 2009 March 3

    My dog was spreading barfy joy last night too. My husband cooked out on the grill and apparently the lovely smell was too much for her – she ate the charcoal that had been dripped on. Then, after everyone went to bed, proceeded to lay traps of black, lumpy, slimy barf in several rooms. Of course, SHE feels wonderful this morning and the rest of us are crabby from having to clean up black barf.

  5. 2009 March 4


    That was EXACTLY the plan… great minds and all…


    OMG! That hair had to be longer than four inches! I felt like I was only about six weeks away from being Crystal Gale.

    Re: ‘Re: #9′ Thanks! I felt like I was on a great sarcastic roll with that one. OMG! Did you just tell me AGAIN that that kid was robbed?! Have you no mercy, Woman?


    That is a legitimate question. Hmmmm. I have no idea. Except to say that I think she was doing it all quiet and sneaky like. Also, I think she did it after she got concerned that the floor might not work so there wasn’t hardly anything left in her stomach. Thank goodness it didn’t make it through the comforter while I was asleep. Ugh!

    And Stace also said it was a duvet cover when I was writing it, but that seemed kinda hard to spell…

    Oh man! 1949 was a really bad year for tooth pulling. Oh the humanity…


    She ate the charcoal? Do you ever wonder if you have the most stupid dog on the planet? We do all the time. Maggie eats Stace’s ear plugs if she can get ahold of them… Sigh.

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