Evap-o-ray

2009 April 21
by Stace

Was reading over at Mongolian Girl’s site this evening, and it put me in mind of a conversation Hedon and I had last week. I had been driving, for quite some time, in east coast traffic … and that’s never, ever a good thing.

Stace: Argh! Did you see that moron? He whipped around me then immediately took the exit. I bet I didn’t miss his bumper by a foot. These assholes are going to get themselves killed one of the these days — and I’ll be blamed for it.

Hedon: Yeah. And I’ve got to take us into Philly later tonight.

Stace: Better you than me. I’m past my limit. I’m seriously wishing I had an Evap-o-ray right now. I’d want one with like a distance of a mile in front of me and behind me. By god that’d give me some space. I’d push the button and all these jerks would be gone — instantly vaporized.

Hedon: That’d be sweet.

Stace (after a pause of a minute or so): You know, wishing to evaporate people just to clear out the roads a bit … well … that’s kind of awful, don’t you think?

Hedon: Nope. Serves ‘em right.

Stace: Well, I don’t know. I’m thinking that instead of blasting them into tiny particles, my Evap-o-ray should just poof them back home, into their driveways.

Hedon: The jerks deserve to be blasted to smithereens.

Stace: Not all of them, and it would serve the purpose just the same. The roads would be less crowded and there would be a lot less mourning from the bereaved.

Hedon: Hmph. What bereaved?

Stace: Think of all the people who would be upset that their loved ones had been evaporated. I mean, we may not like these jerks out here, but someone else probably does. It’s amazing how even the biggest jackoffs have people who love them. Besides, it would be funny thinking how shocked they would be when they find themselves suddenly sitting in their driveways, wondering how the hell they got there.

Hedon: So let me get this right … we would have a cool Evap-o-ray, that we can use whenever we want, but its only power is to poof people back to their driveways? Where the hell is the fun in that?

Stace: I’m just saying, if you don’t have to obliterate someone, then why do it? The point here is to get the losers out of our way. A poofing Evap-o-ray would do that.

Hedon: But some of these assholes deserve to be obliterated. I seriously want to be the one to do it.

Stace (after a sigh): You’re not going to change your mind, are you?

Hedon: Nope.

Stace: Okay. Then maybe the Evap-o-ray could have a switch, like the phasers on “Star Trek.” You could choose either setting, “Poof” or “Obliterate.”

Hedon: Excellent.

Stace: I think we should keep it set on “Poof” as a safety measure.

Hedon: Hmph.

Stace: How long do you think we could get away with it? If we had an Evap-o-ray, I mean.

Hedon: Yeah, you’ve got to figure they’d find us eventually, what with our log books saying where we’ve been, and the satellite tracking unit on the truck. Only a matter of time. That’s why we should take advantage of it while we have it. We should “Obliterate” as much as possible.

Stace: Never mind that. I think we’d have to wait to use the Evap-o-ray until we owned our own truck. That way, we’d have more control over how to hide our actions and where we have and have not been.

Hedon: Good idea. That might work.

For a few minutes, Stace silently ponders the future and how law enforcement might discover the Evap-o-ray even if she is an owner-operator.

Hedon: I think we’re missing a big point here.

Stace: Hmm?

Hedon: Well, if we had an Evap-o-ray, why the hell would we still be driving a truck for a living? I’d think there’d be way better money using the Evap-o-ray in other ways.

Stace: You just love to do this, you know. The time I was talking about how I’d love to have a warp drive in the truck, you couldn’t wait to point out that if we could build a warp drive, we would be wasting our time trucking.

Hedon: I’m just saying …

Stace: Yeah, yeah. Whatever. But I don’t see how an Evap-o-ray can make you a lot of money. You can’t manufacture and sell them, since we’d all obliterate one another out of existence in no time flat. Unless you’re going to go all Lex Luther on me, and hold the country ransom or something, I don’t see the money in this one.

Hedon: Lex Luther. Not a bad idea. How about buying an acre of land, calling it a landfill, and obliterating all the trash that’s brought in?

Stace: Oh … okay … maybe.

Hedon: Or we could be really awesome hit women. We wouldn’t have to worry about evidence on the bodies, or disposal for that matter. Yeah, you could really …

Stace: I’m not going to be a hit woman.

Hedon: We could be bank robbers. We’d poof all the bank employees back home, then we’d have the bank to ourselves. That’d work.

Stace: Do you have any ideas that do not involve becoming garbage men or criminals?

Hedon (unconcerned): Apparently not.

Stace: Hmm … now you’ve got me wondering. What could you … Hey! Hold on!

Stace slams on the brakes.

Stace: Holy crap! Did you just see that guy? He nearly took out our fender! Jackass! How hard is it to wait until you’re completely around me before you pull back in?! Numbnuts!

Hedon: You’re wishing you had the Evap-o-ray default set to “Obliterate” right now, aren’t you?

Stace (grumpy): Maybe just a little bit.

5 Responses
  1. 2009 April 22

    Evap-O-Ray, love it. Seriously love it. I’m tending toward Hedon’s train of thought. Instant disintegration.

  2. 2009 April 22

    Hey I’m a new reader … I love the idea of Evap-O-Ray! Oh, and I’m from / work in Philly, living in Jersey … I completely, absolutely understand the traffic! Ugh.

  3. 2009 April 23

    Love the Evap-o-ray! I think I’d use it on the occasional difficult customer? However, I’ve said for years that having offensive weapons on cars (or trucks) would be the end of civilization as we know it. I’ve always pictured things like the oil slicks, or spikes that come out of the hub caps – sort of like James Bond? The “put-em-back-in-their-driveway” Evap-o-ray sounds perfect though. Civilization continues, but my problem is solved. Also, think of the benefits to the environment! Pretty much all of us – except you and me – would be in our driveways pretty much all the time! Millions of barrels of oil a day saved!

  4. 2009 April 23

    brad says he’d like to place an order!…maybe for 2….gotta have a backup!

  5. 2009 April 24

    Decorina and Don,

    I admit it might get ugly out there as we all over-use our new toy, but evenutally the newness will wear off and the mayhem will subside some. If nothing else, maybe people will start driving more politely out of fear. That would work for me.

    And like Don says… we’d be saving the environment at the same time.

    ~~~~~~~~~~

    Jen,

    Welcome! Good lord you must be a glutton for punishment! Our next load is headed to Jersey and I’m already dreading it.

    ~~~~~~~~~~

    Ruth Ann,

    Tell Brad we still have a few kinks to iron out and then I’ll be in touch. :)

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