A trucker’s little PSA

2009 April 26

We’re delivering at a facility in Newark, NJ that we have been at several times before. It is very tight and hard to get around on their lot and I have seen I don’t know how many “unfortunate incidents” involving trailer bumping here. So I thought I would post some tips and pointers in case any of you drivers out there end up delivering here.

Travel the country and see the sights... just like a paid vacation

Travel the country and see the sights... just like a paid vacation

  • 1) Smashed pole that has been hit many times.
  • 2) Fancy trucker’s lounge area
  • 3) A tree grows in Newark… oh sure it’s a mutant-looking ugly tree but still
  • 4) Fancy pants drivers’ restroom
  • 5) Drug dealer corner across the street
  • 6) Crack-ho stoop across the street and behind the chain link fence

First of all, you will be parking awaiting a dock door somewhere over to the right of this picture. When they finally come and give you a door assignment, you will pretty much want your tandems to follow the green path on the ground so you are lined up to hit the dock when you start backing. Because the only forward room you have available is the narrow driveway, you will need to pull farther forward than you would normally think.

Drug dealer corner

Drug dealer corner

In fact, this back works best if you just go ahead and pull right out into the street blocking all four lanes of traffic to give yourself the most room to play with. Don’t worry about upsetting the locals cause they all seem really friendly and patient. Make sure when you pull out into the street that you aim the tractor toward the drug dealer corner not crack-ho stoop. The crack-ho stoop is tempting because it’s straight across from the driveway, but if you are pointed toward the drug dealer corner you will have enough angle to skirt around the other trucks already in the docks directly behind the driveway.

Keep your tandems to the left of the tiny driveway and let your tractor ease down the right side as you start to back into your dock. Don’t get too close to the right side though as the razor wire at the top of the fence will take off your cb antenna if you get tangled up in it. Also, although you will notice from the pictures that the steel pole at the left of the drive has been hit many many times, try to avoid hitting the pole at least with the tractor. If you have to rub it a little with the trailer… well that’s why they invented drop-and-hooks, isn’t it? You’ll probably drop that trailer soon anyway.

Once you get your rear end to the left of the trucks already in the dock, this is a pretty easy dock to hit. Just keep backing slowly at your angle and when you are fully in your lane you might need to take a pull up into the seriously classy driver’s break area at the left of the picture. Go ahead and pull on in there. Those drivers probably haven’t had much excitement in their lives lately and you roaring up to the picnic table will give them something fun to talk about for a while. That should give you the proper line to be able to just slide it straight home with no problem at all.

Just another trucker living the dream

Just another trucker living the dream

Once you are in the dock, settle in for about a six hour wait. Oh they will say it will only be about two hours but they are lying. You might want to go across the street and hang out with the crack-hos cause I bet they’ve got some good stories to tell. Or go on over to the McDonald’s to grab something to eat. You’ll have to go out through the little driveway cause the rest of the facility is chain-linked-and-razor-wired up. I’m not sure if the razor wire is mostly to keep the crack-hos away from the receiver or to try to keep the drivers away from the McDonald’s, but I don’t expect you’ll let it stop you. While you’re at the McDonald’s, it would probably be a good idea to use the facilities cause the drivers’ restroom back at the receiver isn’t exactly anything to write home about.

When you’re finally unloaded and it’s 22:30 in Newark on a Sunday night and there is no legitimate parking within a 200 mile radius… feel free to pull out of the receiver to the right and park on the street. The cops won’t bother you, and I have only heard gun shots a few times while we were there. We’ve never even ended up with bullet holes in our trailer so I wouldn’t let a few guys’ high spirits ruin my night if I were you. Seems like the gun play is usually over by midnight, anyway.

Crack-ho stoop

Crack-ho stoop with actual crack-ho

The crack-hos will last a while longer, but eventually even they will get tired and go off to bed… or possibly pass out in the alley. Which is a good thing because their drug-addled brains don’t seem to be capable of remembering that they just knocked on your door ten minutes ago to ask if you:

  • a) could spare fifty cents so they can get a soda
  • b) could spare a cigarette
  • c) would like to hire them to do some “interior decorating” in your tractor
  • d) would please “run over a big fat stupid bitch named Deelia” cause she “is a stupid whore and deserves to die”

Ahhh… finally… your load is delivered and you’ll probably get the hell out of Jersey in the morning. The guns are all silent and the crack-hos are settled in for a long winter’s nap. It’s a quiet peaceful night. Sleep well, Driver, you’ve earned it.

7 Responses
  1. 2009 April 27

    OMG you are so funny! LOL!!!!!!! ha ha ha! Not only do I love this post, but how awesome is it that you put up a pic of an actual crack ho!

  2. 2009 April 28

    Look what you made me do – spit coffee on my keyboard. I love it when shippers stack all kinds of stuff around their lot and make the dock door only obtainable after you back through an interesting obstacle course. And the signs left by drivers past who tore their CB antenna off on the razor wire and rubbed the pole…you crack me up.

    This is not meant to imply that I endorse crack. Or crack hos. Though that looks to be one lovely unit there in that last photo.

  3. 2009 April 28

    we’ve been there a few times….ugh!…but if you get a burger at mcdonalds and come back to your truck to enjoy it, hey!…it’s dinner and a show!!…..

  4. 2009 April 28
    punxxi permalink

    I know this is off topic, but do truckers still understand hand signals? I mean if i held up two fingers, pointing sideways, against the windshield would you know what that meant?

  5. 2009 April 29

    Sheila and Decorina,

    Believe it or not, I didn’t really want to include an actual working girl in the shot but there were so many of them that it was hard to get a shot off without at least one. At least she was one of the hard working girls. She was really hustling out there… literally.

    ~~~~~~~~~~

    Ruth Ann,

    That is definitely true. And if you have to pull out on the street to flip around and come back in like we did you get to turn the whole thing into audience participation theater.

    I think we were parked on the street about thirty minutes waiting for the driveway to clear so I could come back in to wait for our stand-by load and I gave away $5 (split between three different ladies) a Snickers, and a pack of cigarettes. :)

    ~~~~~~~~~~

    Punxxi,

    I’m going to have to go out on a limb here and say if the fingers were held together and the thumb was up you would be threatening to blow my head off… or telling me that you are going to turn left.

    If the fingers were held apart I would guess you were threatening to cut my head off with rusty scissors or possibly that you were saying you had just clipped several excellent coupons from your Sunday paper.

    Do I win?

  6. 2009 April 29
    limericc permalink

    OMG too, too funny.
    Ode to de Crack Hos

  7. 2009 April 29
    punxxi permalink

    naw, it’s a bull ahead, yanno there was a time when nobody had a cb or cell so in order to warn about a cop you just put those “bull horns ” up for people .but you still win!

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