Lady Who is a What?

2009 August 7
by Hedon

So I was wandering around the www today and discovered to my stunned disbelief that some person named Lady Gaga appears to be an hermaphrodite. From what I can tell, out there in the great internet there is a picture or a video or something showing this Gaga person packing a little more than one might expect in the nether regions given the name “Lady Gaga.”

Now first of all I have absolutely nothing against hermaphrodites… well except that the word itself is long and hard to spell but that’s not really their fault. Secondly, I have no idea who this Lady Gaga is or what she is famous for or why people would care either way if she is playing for both teams at once. So why am I even bringing it up? Because I want to know what the hell kind of name is “Lady Gaga?” I mean seriously? What… was “Princess Poopy-Pants” already taken?

I am so not hip anymore. If I ever was hip that is… damn now that I think back on it I don’t think I ever was. Hip probably isn’t even the word I should be using. Actual hip people won’t even know what I’m talking about. They’ll be all like… “Oh that’s so sad something seems to be wrong with her hips.” To which some other extremely cool person will respond, “Really? I heard it was her knees.” Then some third in-crowd hipster will say, “I saw the pictures online where she’s an hermaphrodite. So she’s an hermaphrodite with bad knees and hips?” And it will all spiral out of control. At least it would if I were famous enough for anyone to care about my hips, knees or naughty bits. (I just said naughty bits there cause that always cracks Stace up. I think I’ll say it again… naughty bits)

But none of this meandering about my position in society solves the main problem: Is Lady Gaga a hermaphrodite? And if she is… what does that mean? Does it change society as we know it? Think about all the little testosterone filled teen aged boys who have lusted after her. Are they going to suddenly be more understanding of different sexual orientations now that they have to admit to themselves they’ve been lusting after a woman with her own package? Or will this make them even more likely to beat the crap out of the slightly Nelly guy in gym class just to prove they are still red-blooded American males? I don’t know. They probably don’t either. If I were forced to choose the most likely outcome, I would have to come down on the side of mindless violence.

Another possible change to our whole society that might hinge on Lady Gaga’s naughty bits (heh heh) is the appalling lack of flavor of a Subway Veggie Delight sandwich. Oh sure that whole thought may mostly be based on the fact that I just finished eating half of one, but we can’t be positive — it could be a legitimate concern. So if Lady Gaga turns out to be a hermaphrodite… I think they should add some sort of new veggie to the Subway menu in honor of her. I’m not sure what since they already have cucumbers and that would have been the obvious choice. Ugh! It’s hopeless. I can’t think of a way to help the Veggie Delight even if based on the playground equipment of a flash in the pan celebrity.

So I guess this brings us to the ultimate question which is not “is Lady Gaga a hermaphrodite?” or even “What the hell kind of name is ‘Lady Gaga’ anyway?” The ultimate question is obviously “If the dispatchers at TWMNBN are really as stupid as they appear to be, how do they get to work in the morning?” I know that’s what we were all wondering as we stared at the picture of a Packing-Gaga standing next to that sweet motorcycle.

I mean do they have some sort of Dispatcher-Phone-Chain that they call every morning? Does one dispatcher-herder call name after name on the list and read off the prepared card:

Hello, Mike. It’s Betty Lou. Your supervisor at TWMNBN. You know… I call you every single morning and have for the past six years. That’s right! I was the one who told you it was Christmas morning and you didn’t have to go in to work so you could go back to bed. Anyway… are you getting dressed? You know we have work today. Those stupid lazy drivers aren’t going to harass themselves, you know. Are you eating breakfast? Oh good. Did you remember to take the poptart out of the package this time before putting it in the toaster? Good job, Mike!

What about clothes? Are you all dressed? That means pants, too, Mr. Mike. Yes, I’m serious. Ok so you need to get around because the short bus will be there soon to pick you up and bring you to work. No… just stand at the end of your driveway and the bus will get you. You need to be waiting at the end of your driveway though. Don’t wander aimlessly down the street like yesterday. It took forever for the bus driver to find you and get you to work so a few of your drivers had several peaceful hours yesterday morning and you know we can’t have that.

Ok well I’ll talk to you when you get to work. Oh, yes I did get the picture that you colored for me. Yes it sure was a big truck. You did real good staying in the lines, too. Maybe during naptime today you can draw another one. I’ll see you later, Mike.

Is that what it all comes down to? A pop-star’s picture on the internet with her bits peeking out which immediately leads us to consider both the nasty taste of a Veggie Sandwich and the Utter Stupidity of the employees at TWMNBN? It looks like it. And how are my knees and hips? Who can say? So many questions that may never be answered. What a wide mysterious wonderful world. No matter what naughty bits you happen to be working with.

4 Responses
  1. 2009 August 7

    And I thought my holiday posts were bad. I think you’ve taken the prize of craziest Hag post ever, and I’m damned sorry to give it up, what with my having held it since my spiel about President’s Day. Crud.

    Still, there is some comfort in that you managed to use “naughty bits” repetitively, some might even say excessively, in your post. Guess I’ll take that comfort where I can get it.

  2. 2009 August 7
    Chaos permalink

    OMG I cant think of anything to say because I am still laughing too hard.

    Also, Happy Birthday to the kiddo!!! WOOT!

  3. 2009 August 7
    RogueShadow permalink

    Well where to start? Well lets start small. I want a turn to say naughty bits, well now thats out of my system. This was a great laugh I mean just WOW! Im so glad Chaos showed this site me. Keep the laughs comein.

    On another note, fullemployment wider? Gee what a captcha for those of us looking for jobs.

  4. 2009 August 8
    punxxi permalink

    heheheh lady gaga is quite the thang, and no matter what she’s packin’ if you watch her you just know the jokes on you. I love her song let’s dance. hey, happy birthday to the little girlie!!

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