What a blow

2009 September 8
by Hedon

I had a devastating realization last night.

You know how I have long been demanding the jet-packs we were promised when we were kids? I mean we were supposed to be leaving the house every morning, strapping on our jet-packs and flying off to work or school or whatever. I’m quite sure that in the early seventies we were all certain that this would be a common place thing by 2000 but by 2010 at the very latest.

So mostly I have spent the last 40 years waiting patiently for my damned jet-pack. Well until the past few years when I have started to get more vocal about demanding what we were promised. Demanding to know where my damned jet-pack was. I was thinking about it again last night while I was thinking how fun it would be to fly around over Memphis in the middle of the night.

That’s when the awful truth hit me. Even if they finally get off their lazy asses and get around to inventing jet-packs we won’t be able to use them. Think about it. The whole point of the jet-pack is that they are a couple of jets of some sort that are located on some sort of backpack arrangement. Then you have a couple of arms that come around your sides to the front which is where the controls are located. But here’s the problem. All that exhaust and hot whatever-the-hell that is going to shoot out the bottom of the jets to provide the upward thrust is going to come shooting out right toward your ass. And it’s likely going to be all flames and stuff.

That has got to hurt. And if you have one of those great big butts like I do, you’ll probably stop up the opening or something and never even be able to get off the ground. Man that sucks! I was seriously hoping to jet over to pick up some more BBQ if they had recently invented jet-packs without my knowing it and a traveling jet-pack salesman happened to stop by the motel with a model for sale later this afternoon.

Now it wouldn’t even matter if he did stop by with a recently invented jet-pack available for immediate possession. Still couldn’t fly around in the middle of the night. Stupid thermodynamics. Stupid Newton. Stupid physics. Wonder how that flying vampire thing all the authors are writing about really works?

7 Responses
  1. 2009 September 8

    Even if they found a way for us to NOT burn our asses, there’s still the issue of exhaust fumes fucking up the environment and widening the damn hole in the ozone. So there’s that too . . .

    • 2009 September 8

      Oh for god’s sake!! I hadn’t even thought of that. We are never getting jet-packs. Stupid environment.

  2. 2009 September 8

    I’d settle for a flying car. They promised us those, too – nowhere to be seen.

    • 2009 September 8

      Oh yeah a little flying car would be totally cool with me. Especially if it would fold up into a briefcase when I got there.

      What are those damned lazy scientists doing out there anyway? Are they trying to make the world a better place or not? I mean isn’t that their job? Where are our flying cars?

  3. 2009 September 9
    limericc permalink

    How about more of those cars they actually made that turned into boats. Just drive down into the water and hit the prop button. The even came out with the motorhome version. Or those other neat cars that came with wings and actually flew. Where are those?

    • 2009 September 10

      Ok I actually think those boat-cars are pretty cool. I sure wouldn’t mind having one.

      But they still aren’t as cool as flying around over the highway laughing at all the poor suckers stuck in traffic… and doing loops and stuff. A jet pack would be like your own personal roller coaster.

  4. 2009 September 10

    Here’s a question-given how much trouble the general public has operating in two dimensions, do you really want every idiot driver out there operating in three dimensions? Plus, the FAA will make sure any operators of such aircraft/vehicles be certified pilots. And that training will be much more intense and thorough than driving training. My high school drivers ed required only 7 hours of driving and 7 hours of observing the other student drive. The average private pilot has about 70 hours of flight training prior to getting their private pilot certificate. Oh well, maybe someday if the system is totally automated.

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