How to catch a middle-aged Bubba
It has come to my attention that quite a few women and a surprising number of men are hoping to catch themselves a middle-aged Bubba to have and to hold. While I have no idea why you might want this, I’m here to help. Hence this tutorial on hunting, choosing, capturing and domesticating the wild Bubba.
Finding your Bubba
As anyone who has ever done any hunting knows, you have to go to where the game is if you want your hunt to be successful. You have to go down to the river if you’re after trout. You have to go near the woods if you’re looking for deer. Bubba hunting is no different. The first step to bagging your Bubba is to go where they congregate in numbers and are at their least wary. Ideally, you want to first approach your Bubba while he is in the midst of his man-herd so he feels safe and relaxed. You are less likely to scare any particular Bubba off if you approach the whole herd as a group and talk slowly without making any sudden hand gestures.
The single best time and place to accomplish contact with the man-herd is at your local cafe around 05:00 in the morning. Yes, I know that’s damned early, but you have to go while they are still slow-witted from sleep. If you wait and go later in the morning, they will have had three or four cups of coffee and might wonder about your motives. You do not want to approach the man-herd when they are all jittery and worked up from coffee, tall tales and dirty jokes.
I recommend you just get a job at the cafe so that you are working at 05:00 when they start to straggle in and bunch together at the big round table. Working there will give you great camouflage so you can observe the herd without startling them. Also, you will be the one bringing the Bubba his coffee and breakfast every morning just like his mama used to do which will create happy associations in his sleep befuddled brain. Working at a cafe is really hard work and I wouldn’t ordinarily recommend it to anyone, but it’s all part of the hunt and, hey, it’s way better than spraying deer urine on your clothes and rolling around in dead leaves.
I’m not entirely sure this method will work in northern states, so if you go to your local cafe several mornings in a row and do not stumble across a pack of Bubbas you may have to move down South. I know that seems kinda drastic, but you’ll just have to ask yourself how badly you really want a Bubba after all. There are more Bubbas than you can shake a stick at down south so if you really want one that’s the place to be.
Choosing your Bubba
Now that you have been working at the cafe a few days and are familiar with the man-herd it’s time to start narrowing the field so you can pick the Bubba you plan to bag. Here are a few things to consider when choosing your Bubba:
- Looks – your Bubba is probably going to look like… well… a Bubba so I wouldn’t put too much emphasis on looks as a defining factor.
- Hygiene – try to notice if your Bubba has been wearing the same pair of overalls for the past week. This can be tricky though as many Bubbas simply buy eight identical pieces of clothing and wear the “same” outfit every day. As long as the clothes are clean, your Bubba shouldn’t lose points for lack of creativity. If you’re looking for a man who dresses nice and has a great fashion sense you are confused about the term Bubba. You’ll need to stop right here and come back to read a possible future post entitled, “How to catch yourself a Metrosexual” or something similar.
- Table manners – again, we’re not looking for anything fancy-pants here. Really you just want to be sure he doesn’t drop food on the floor and then eat it. Although… if he did that would probably mean he is likely to be pretty easy to care for once you get him home. I guess this one has to be based on your personal taste.
- Creativity – listen to your Bubba’s contributions to the gas-bagging that goes on every morning. Does he tell the same story about the time he met Willie Nelson in the men’s room at the truck stop every other morning? Do you really want to spend your remaining years hearing over and over again how small Willie’s wiener is? I mean think about it.
- Political leanings – turn the tv on the wall to Fox News and watch your Bubba’s reaction. Does he poke his neighbor and say, “That’s damned right!” every time the talking head on Fox makes some stupid right-wing half-truth point? Remember that once you get him home it is likely to be you he’s poking in the ribs every time Rush spews something stupid. Is that really what you’re looking for?
- Free time – when the main body of the man-herd starts to get up and leave to go to work, does your Bubba sit there forever happily ordering another cup of coffee? He may have no job. When stories about work get thrown around the group does your Bubba keep his mouth shut and look out the window? Or does he talk about how hard he works down at the office where he runs a major multi-national corporation? He probably doesn’t. There is little worse than a Bubba who isn’t working, so study this point carefully. On the other hand, he may think a little lady who has a nice job at the cafe is a right good catch, so that could work to your favor if you still want him.
Capturing your Bubba
Now that you’ve chosen your Bubba, it’s time to cut him from the man-herd. This isn’t nearly as hard as you might think. Start out by doing little things just for him. Notice when his coffee cup hits about half full and refill only his cup. You can act like you have to get something from the kitchen so all the back-up Bubbas don’t get pissy about not getting their cups refilled at the same time because it will still leave that subtle feeling that you think your Bubba is special and they don’t deserve any damned hot coffee and why won’t they just leave and go to work already so you can talk to your Bubba alone for five damned minutes for god’s sake?
Put extra butter on your Bubba’s toast. I’m just throwing that in there cause it would probably work on me.
Bring in pictures of a couple of different bass boats you are thinking about buying and ask your Bubba’s opinion on which is the better model. If one of the herd starts bleating about it, wander off. Leave the pictures next to your Bubba and come quickly back if he starts talking about them. Or looking at them. Or really shows any signs of life at all.
If you get your Bubba alone for a few minutes, thank him for the tip he always leaves and mention in the strictest confidence that you are saving all your tips up to afford a boob-job. Notice if he starts giving you much bigger tips after that.
Put a Willie Nelson song on the juke box and mention how you used to think he was hot stuff, but now you don’t think he holds a candle to your Bubba. Notice if he blushes. If he does, laugh and playfully swat his arm. This one is going to be most effective if you have chosen the Bubba who met Willie in the truck stop men’s room years ago.
Before the herd comes in one morning, go out and let all the air out of one of your tires. When your Bubba comes in ask him if he will help you change it. Wait until after he’s had breakfast. Bubbas love to be helpful but not on an empty stomach.
Bring him cupcakes or muffins or a six-pack the next morning to thank him for fixing your tire. Don’t give the herd any. When the herd starts whining about why they don’t get any cupcakes, tell them they are all for Bubba cause he was your knight in shining armor when your tire was flat.
Wait a few weeks and tear the pipes under your sink apart then ask Bubba if he would mind coming over after work to take a look at them. That should get him to your house and that’s really all you need. From that point on it should be a done-deal.
Domesticating your Bubba
Ok… nobody really knows how to do that. All I can suggest is that you go slow. Maybe start with something simple like “Bushes are not actually porta-potties” for the first year. You aren’t likely to make much progress, but then what did you expect? Hell, now I’m wondering why you were wanting a Bubba in the first place if you’re going to be all picky about where he can go to the bathroom and stuff once you get him home. If you’re dead set on having a man that uses the toilet every single time, then maybe you should forget the Bubba and go after some fancy-pants college professor or CEO or movie star or something.