Hagwire special — Boycott continues

2009 October 24
by Stace

Truck wash boycott by Hags continues

by Hagwire staff

Boise, ID (HW) — Over one year ago, the Highway Hags began a boycott, deciding not to wash their company truck until certain demands are met. As the resulting stalemate continues, industry insiders are beginning to wonder when, or even if, it will end.

“It has been going on a very long time,” said Ebidiah Stookerton, fuel desk cashier at Billy Joe Bob’s Truck Stop in Boise, ID. “Well, I mean, I would guess it’s been a long time, what with never hearing of this before, until you came in here asking questions about it.”

“But look at that truck! I don’t know that I’ve ever seen a dirtier one. Those wheels are nearly black. And look at the running boards. There’s not a bit of shine left to them. I’d say that truck hasn’t been washed in ages and ages,” said Stookerton.

When asked how long he thought the standoff could continue, Stookerton answered, “How would I know?”

Laffy Binkling, mechanic at the truck stop’s repair shop, had a more definitive answer. “Yup. That’s one dirty truck. I think the boycott might never end, since I don’t think that truck can get any dirtier. What have they got to lose to keep going with this thing? Nothing that I can see.”

Once informed of the situation with the Hags and their dirty truck, Halibartha Merrimad, a waitress in the truck stop restaurant, expressed surprise that such an event could be happening in their parking lot.

“You just never know about these things,” she said, shaking her head sadly. “I hate to hear of folks being kidnapped and held against their will and all.”

When this reporter explained what the word boycott actually meant, Ms. Merrimad said, “Oh, well there ya go. Look, I got a lot of customers. The liver and onions are real good today if you want any.”

We didn’t.

The obvious question to be asked is, what will it take for the Highway Hags to end this reign of dirty terror? What are their demands? Only the Hags could answer that.

“Demands?” said Hedon Hag. “We don’t have any demands. What are you talking about?”

Stace Hag was a picture of coolness in her response. “Demands? We don’t have any demands. What are you talking about?”

When pressured by this reporter for an honest answer, Hedon Hag shrugged and said, “You must be a nut. We’re just lazy, and cheap, so we haven’t washed it in forever. Besides, we hate this truck. Why would we wash it?”

No straightforward answer offered, they were then asked who it was, exactly, that they had submitted these mysterious demands to, and who the press might contact about what plans might be in the offing to end this crisis.

“This isn’t a boycott, so there’s nobody to contact.” Stace Hag said. “It’s like Hedon said — we’re just lazy and cheap. For what it’s worth, we tried to get it washed today, but the truck wash was closed. That seems to happen to us a lot. We finally think, yeah, today’s the day, then something comes up or it doesn’t work out in one way or another.”

Stace Hag’s subtle attempt at subterfuge did not go unnoticed among several bystanders.

Fred Dumpers, a truck driver from Dallas, TX, said, “Weeeelll, I figure if they’s holdin’ out fer sumthin, it’d be sumthin they want from that company of theirs. What’s er called … They Who Must Not Be Named. Yeh, that’d be it.”

Behind Fred’s truck in the fuel island, Beebong Doodong, a driver of a tanker truck, yelled out his ideas on the standoff. “I don’t give a [expletive deleted] who’s doing what to who. Just get the [expletive deleted] out of the fuel island so I can get rolling! I’ve got work to do, you [expletive deleted].”

Some people have expressed surprise that the boycotting of a truck wash can bring out such strong emotional reactions from people like Doodong.

Ronald Wimpsin, psychology instructor at nearby Spud State Community College, was not surprised at the emotion displayed over an issue such as this one.

“You see,” said Instructor Wimpsin, “people have a deeper connection to current events than they once had. Television and the internet have greatly reduced our ability to separate ourselves from the world at large. An issue such as this, the kidnapping of the child of an executive at They Who Must Not Be Named, strikes deeply at the fears of all parents …”

After this reporter gave, again, a brief explanation of the boycott by the Hags, Wimpsin continued with, “Truck washing? Who? How should I know what their demands are? You idiot … wait … I didn’t say that. Don’t print that. Why are you leaving? I can pull an opinion about this out of somewhere. Come back! Damn. Now I’m going to have to grade all those moronic research papers.”

Hagwire staff tried for most of a week to get in contact with They Who Must Not Be Named, or TWMNBN for short. Hagwire staff was ultimately unable to find a phone number or even an address for TWMNBN.

“It’s a mystery to me,” said a stymied research assistant at Hagwire. “Never seen such a thing before. It’s like TWMNBN doesn’t actually exist or something, or like maybe it’s a fake name? I don’t know. It’s eerie.”

It makes one wonder how deep this conspiracy really goes. With the Hags refusing to state their demands, and the trucking company TWMNBN clearly having gone into hiding from fear of exposure and bad publicity, not many conclusions can be made about the current state of the boycott and when or if it might end.

Perhaps Pappy Quining, a trucker of 40 years from Umatilla, OR, summed it up best.

“These Hags you tellin’ me about,” Quining said, “they’s exactly what’s wrong with trucking today. And them and that filthy, nasty truck is why we truckers ain’t never gonna get nowhere!”

Only time will tell if Quining is an oracle or a fool.

5 Responses
  1. 2009 October 25

    Dear Editors:

    Is this possible? If you go at least 18 months without washing the surface of the vehicle, that the grime and pollution from long haul runs in almost every state (in addition to acid rain) becomes “glued” to the exterior thus creating a coating that both absorbs shocks – allowing for a smoother ride, and form an almost perfect cloak of invisibility from radar detection because the laser bounces off the tiny metallic particles within the sludge smothering the truck??

    Signed,

    Confused in California

    • 2009 October 27
      Hagwire Editor permalink

      Dear Confused in California,

      According to Fred Nomatter, vice-president of Freightliners Suck So Buy Our Trucks Instead, L.L.C., there is no treatment or coating which will improve the ride of a Freightliner Crapscadia that has been cheapened to the point of toy truck status by cheap company bulk order methods.

      Mr. Nomatter does believe that a thick coating of filth probably will confound radar for just the reasons you named, but that it will probably not work for any Freightliner truck.

      “This particular brand of commercial vehicle is renowned for its stubbornness,” Nomatter said, “and would likely find some insidious way of drawing police attention to you, rather than camouflaging you from detection. That’s just how Freightliners are. Buyers beware.”

      Hagwire Editor

      • 2009 October 27

        Dear Editors:

        A giant mud pie on wheels, huh? Maybe you could “go green” and plant a rolling garden in the Spring. Best of luck.

        Sincerely,

        Confused in CA

  2. 2009 October 26

    I wonder if a boycott would work to get my husband to clean the frickin garage out. Hmmm.

    • 2009 October 27

      I don’t know. I once had a friend who got so sick of her husband piling all his crap willy-nilly in their barn, that one day she drug it all into their yard, and made a dire threat. If her husband didn’t get all of it put away or thrown away by the end of the day, she was burning it all. Said she thought the kids would enjoy a nice bonfire. The husband caved.

      Admittedly, this type of approach to hubby harrying may be a bit extreme for some.

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