Filthy Beast

2010 January 28
by Hedon

Finally something interesting happened that I can write about. Not that tons of interesting things have been going on left and right but I wasn’t able to post about them due to national security issues or something… not much has been happening around the Hagstead lately.

Anyway, I forgot to get tomatoes and we were planning to have tacos for supper. I ran out to our little country store to grab some. Rushed into the store, grabbed the tomatoes and was heading back outside. As I walked up to the glass door there was an older lady who was approaching it from the outside about a half-step slower than me. Since I was at the door first, and she was an older lady, I opened the door, stepped through it and then held it open for her to walk into the store.

Now I’m not one to base a lot on a person’s appearance or anything, but I did notice that while she was quite well-dressed she also appeared somewhat… well… snooty. All I mean by that is her mouth was all pursed up in that older-lady-expression-of-disapproval and she didn’t even make eye contact or acknowledge me as I opened the door for her.

As I stepped through the door, I heard a ruckus and looked across the parking lot to where three young men were whooping and hollering. They didn’t seem to be causing any trouble or anything just goofing around. Well the older lady heard them too and stopped half-way through the door and turned around to glare at them. Meanwhile I was still standing there holding the door open for her. So there we were… me holding the door while she glared at the whooping teens. We stood like that for about 15 to 20 seconds.

I don’t know if you’ve ever stood there holding the door open for someone for about 20 seconds but that is a surprisingly long time to just stand there like a doofus holding the door. So eventually I decided that she wasn’t going to go in the store after all and I could go on about my business. I smiled at her again — which she ignored again — and let go of the door to head on home with my tomatoes.

That’s when it all sort of shifted into slow motion. The giant heavy glass door started swinging straight toward the old woman. She never moved. She just kept standing there starring at the rowdy teens. That door smashed straight into her disapproving face. She never even lifted a hand to stop it. Next thing I know I’ve given this elderly lady a bloody nose. Who just stands there and lets a door smash them in the face?!

Obviously I immediately freaked out and jerked the door open to say, “Oh my god, I’m so sorry, Ma’am. Are you alright?”

She said, “Get away from me you… you… beast!”

I said, “I’m so sorry. I thought you had decided not to go in after all…”

She started digging through her purse and pulled out a tissue to wipe the blood off her nose. Then she stamped her foot and said, “Just get away from me you white-trash, welfare, ghetto beast.”

So I stepped back outside with one of the clerks. I was still quite shocked by the whole thing and said to the clerk, “I thought she had decided to go back to her car. I mean I had been standing there a long time.”

The clerk said, “I know you did. I was standing there wishing you two would close the door and quit letting all the cold air inside. I wouldn’t worry about it. She’s a real bitch.”

So there I stood… after a lifetime of respecting and honoring older people, I had just given an old woman a bloody nose. I was momentarily rooted to the spot, but after a few moments of consideration I did what any white-trash, welfare, ghetto beast would do in that situation… I grabbed my tomatoes and went home. I mean who does she think she is that people should just stand around and hold the door for her all night, anyway?

13 Responses
  1. 2010 January 29

    Wow. Her reaction would make me want to let the door hit her again. Not that I would, but it would be tempting…

  2. 2010 January 29

    Now Hedon…She may have been angry because when you let the door go it knocked what brains she had left out.

  3. 2010 January 29
    Belledog permalink

    And here I thought this post was going to be about Maggie having a Fernando moment.

    What a head case. And, very honestly, she might be in the first stages of some kind of dementia, with the slowed reactions and no edit function over her speech.

    That said, she was a jerk and this was an accident. Hope the episode did not ruin the taco dinner.


    PS: “white trash, welfare, ghetto beast.” That’s so weird. What a sad person.

  4. 2010 January 29

    seriously,girls….it’s time to get back to work…..and quit knockin down little old ladies in the 7-11!!!…… this was so funny!!

  5. 2010 January 29

    I was in the line at the dollar store one day, and an older woman was standing beside me. She turned around, I was standing still, and she bumped right into me, knocked everything down that I was carrying, and then starting yelling at me because a) she hurt her hip on whatever I was carrying, and b) I was in the way…I was in the freaking line! And I felt so terrible and so angry all at the same time….

  6. 2010 January 29

    she said that because she is the Wicked Troll Queen, who is jealous of the charming Truck Contessas …er “mutiple x Contessa” I dunno the plural.

    (notice I did not use the Princess word)


    an seriously… I totally dislike what she said. You girls are class acts for sure.

  7. 2010 January 30
    punxxi permalink

    white trash, welfare, ghetto beast.. my new punk band yay( i am the WORLDS oldest punker yanno!)

  8. 2010 January 30

    I have to admit at first I was a little upset with myself but the more I thought about the whole situation the more funny it became. Now it’s quickly becoming a great insult to fling at each other around the Hagstead a la:

    “Stace did you wash my dark jeans?”
    “Not yet.”
    “Damn it, you white-trash welfare ghetto beast, you know those are my favorite jeans.”

    Belledog, it did not in fact ruin the taco dinner which was spectacular even though we now make them with ground turkey, low-carb whole-grain shells, fat-free refried beans, 2% cheese and a ton more veggies in each taco than we used to use. It took a long time to adjust but now I love “new and improved” taco night.

    Ruth Anne, we’re working on it… slowly… but if anyone would understand why we needed a couple of months to recover I figure it’s you two. :)

    Anna, it’s kinda funny isn’t it because you know you didn’t do anything wrong but still there’s that moment of feeling like you disrespected your elders somehow.

    L, heh heh! Actually, I prefer ‘Uber-Trucking-Stud-King-of-the-Known-Universe’ but Stace refuses to call me that without rolling her eyes which really ruins the whole effect. :) I can live with anything since you so kindly refused to go the Princess route… thanks!

    Punxxi, glad to be of service. :)

    • 2010 February 5
      Chaos permalink

      just out of curiosity, how can something be “new and improved” ?

      • 2010 February 8

        Don’t call your mother out for being redundant. It’s part of what of makes her so wonderfully wonderful.

  9. 2010 January 30

    Now you know…you could work that into a personalized lic. plate “UTSK*U” and just put a symbol or so in there to stand for “Of The Known”

    And I think it would be appropriate and legal to claim it for a Business T-shirt too. By the way, you can go around singing “I am the UTSKU (“oot -Skuu”) ain’t that coool, yeah I am the UTSKU!!!”

    • 2010 January 31

      Ok I really like “I am the UTSKU” and think maybe I’ll make it my new theme song. :)

      • 2010 January 31

        lol! Every time someone asks “What does that stand for?” it gives you another chance to explain what your role/mission in the history of humankind is.

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