Best of the Hags
Here are a few of our favorite posts we’ve collected from the various crap we’ve written in the past. Some are kinda funny. Some are serious. Some may be posts only an author could love… check them out and maybe you’ll find something you like. Enjoy…
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That’s how we roll
I can be somewhat of a doofus. And occasionally I go through these spells where for some unknown reason I suddenly start feeling like I’m cool. Fonzie-type cool. Or whoever is the Fonzie of today. You know what I mean. Ok… secretly I almost always think I’m cool but usually I can keep it contained. Sometimes it just bursts out.
A while back I started saying “that’s how we roll in the big-truck” whenever I did something particularly fun or cool like cut around a tight corner perfectly or squeeze into a particularly tight parking space with ease.
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The real price of fuel
Trucking companies are folding by the hundreds because of the exorbitant price of fuel, mostly the smaller fleets. I don’t think most people are really concerned about this since the goods are still showing up on the shelves of their local stores, and they’re still getting the raw materials they need to operate their businesses. So what difference does it make if all the independent truckers are run out of business? There’s still the big corporate fleets to take up the slack, right?
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The time Canada body checked me, eh
Immediately post-election November 2004 at the Hag homestead:
Me: Wife! That’s it! We’re moving to Canada. You need to start learning all you can about hockey and adding “eh?” to the end of your sentences. (I had been reading lots of Dickens at the time hence the imperious tone)
Stace: (raised eyebrows) What the hell are you talking about? We can’t just move to Canada.
Me: That’s ‘what the hell are you talking about, eh?’ And oh yes we are.
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A well-rounded people
Wisconsin is an interesting state. Stomp off through the woods on about any back road in WI and you’ll be awed by the most amazingly picture-perfect farms you could ever hope to see. Everything has a fresh coat of paint. All the farm equipment looks to be in good repair and is parked neatly in its place. The fences are in perfect condition. Driving along after a while you start to get the sneaky suspicion that they have trained the horses in the fields to stand two facing one way and the third facing opposite so it looks more picturesque.
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Why Hedon became a trucker
When I was a kid in the 70s truckers were still considered heroes on the highways. Movies like Convoy and Smokey and the Bandit were big hits, and CBs were all the rage. My dad got the CB bug and, being a welder by trade, he erected a massive 30 foot tall antenna tower at the end of our house. We lived pretty close to I44 in Missouri, and dad’s base unit was so powerful that we had a huge range of miles where we could talk to a driver going by on the interstate before he drove out of CB range.
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Strangest thing I’ve seen on the road
We were driving on I-40 in West Memphis, Arkansas. Hedon was at the wheel and I was in the bunk chatting with her. Traffic was pretty heavy, but up ahead, on the shoulder of the road, I could see glimpses of a woman, just standing there, looking at the passing traffic.
At first, I thought she was wearing a body suit of some sort. It became quickly apparent that she was pregnant, very pregnant, ninth-month pregnant. She went by us in a blur, but there was no doubt about it … that was no body suit she was wearing. She was buck naked.
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Dead-eyed stare
We go into some very dangerous neighborhoods, therefore, it is occasionally wise to look tough. This has long been a problem for us, since neither Hedon nor I look particularly intimidating, unless your biggest fear is being sat upon.
Hedon used to try to look tough whenever she was out of the truck. I thought she just looked angry … or constipated … or angry about being constipated.
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Ursula and Me
I have a huge butt. I mean its HUGE. If you’ve seen Ursula from The Little Mermaid you’ve seen me. If you never saw the movie, coincidentally the picture I chose for my movie review above is Ursula… or is it me? Except for the fact that she has big boobs — and thank god I don’t — we could be identical twins. Well except for the tentacles. And her wicked cool haircut. And all the makeup. And the breathing underwater. And transforming people into hideous garden pets. Ok we’re really not that much alike…. but our butts are identical. That’s the point.
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Liberal anthropologist from Omega Seti 3
There’s a strange event that happens to me every so often. Most recently, it happened while I was driving on a loop around Cleveland, I271. On a big stretch of this road, local traffic is separated from express traffic in both directions, resulting in a total of 10-12 lanes. This particular day, there was pretty heavy traffic, a not uncommon event, of course.
A slight rise in the highway gave me a fairly lengthy view of the traffic zipping around. And that’s when the shift occurred. This wasn’t just traffic anymore. Instead this was a haphazard conglomeration of all these insignificant beings zooming about self-importantly in these funny little mechanical devices.
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What I love about my job
In general, I find my job as a trucker to be boring, annoying, even maddening, with general regularity. You might ask, then, why don’t you get a different job? I haven’t changed jobs for numerous reasons, but the main one is this: I’ve been generally bored, annoyed, even maddened, by every job I’ve ever had. I’m just not a happy worker bee.
I should have been born independently wealthy. If my parents, and their parents, and their parents’ parents had been properly considerate of what their genetic influence would eventually create in me, then they would have been out there greedily plundering and taking advantage of the average working man in order to amass a fortune to pass onto me. But oh no. They had to be farmers, teachers, bookkeepers and redneck ne’er-do-wells.
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Hagwire campaign update
Scandal leaves election in disarray
John McCain IS NOT John McCain
by Hagwire staff
Hagwire (HW) Home, MO — In a shocking revelation that has left the nation slack-jawed in disbelief, it was revealed yesterday evening at a rally in Raleigh, N.C., for presidential candidate John McCain, that John McCain is actually not John McCain. It is now known that for many weeks, the man everyone thought was John McCain is actually Herbert Nonotwhat, a Raleigh man suffering from elderly dementia.
Events unfolded in a remarkable manner. McCain had hardly begun his speech to the crowd at the North Carolina rally when a voice cut through the McCain rhetoric.
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