The Fernando Saga

Since BigBrain Fernando appears likely to be an ongoing presence around these here parts, I thought it might be nice if there was a central place that new-comers could go to get up to speed on all his past shenanigans. If you read these posts in order you should be completely up to date on the story of Fernando:

We Three Kings

I was telling Stace earlier today that I thought we had left my brain-mojo in the old truck. Seems like since we changed trucks I haven’t had a thing to say and that’s the only thing I can attribute it to right now.

While we were talking about my arid, dried-up pool of creativity, Stace said, “I think sometime you should post about being ADD and… well… you know…THEM.”

Me, “Really? You think I should post about them?”

Stace, “Well … I don’t know. I’m not sure how people would react. They might think you’re a weirdo.”

Me, “Cool! I’m all over that.”

Them. How to explain about Them… Basically there are three entities that live in my head and share control of the big lumbering uncoordinated body. First, you have to understand that I am seriously ADD. I didn’t know it until just about 10 years ago so up until that time I just thought I was a really bad adult. Then I finally found out that I was a really bad adult for a good reason! The point is that someday we may find out that having three brains is perfectly normal for a certain group of people, so be careful when throwing rotten veggies and such. Don’t make me stand there covered in veggie slime shaking my fist in the air and insisting, “I am a human-being…”

Anyway, here’s the cast of characters that lives in my head:

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I did ask… well Big Brain did anyway

Big Brain submitted The Hags to a blog reviewing website called Ask and Ye Shall Receive a while back. For those of you who don’t know the site, the reviewers over there are fairly upfront with their true feelings… let’s just say they can be kinda harsh if they don’t like a blog. I think that’s a fair statement. It’s kinda scary over there.

Making it even more intimidating to submit your blog is the fact that each of them is an extremely talented writer. So it’s not like you’re asking the opinion of some hack who can’t string two sentences together. But you know Big Brain… into the fray he jumped with nary a moment’s pause for common sense.

When Big Brain informed me what I had done… well… I thought he had lost my mind:

Me: What were you thinking? They are really good writers over there and we just blather on and on about all kinds of crap. Half of the crap we post doesn’t even make any sense.

Big Brain: Oh… yeah… that’s true. But we’ve got all the stuff Stace writes working in our favor. And they’re sooo cool.  I just wanted the cool kids to like me. I’m kinda cool, right?

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Outside a Love’s truck stop –

Hedon (while climbing into truck): I’ve got an “Overheard in the Truck” for you. Prepare to record it, woman.

Stace: Ummhmm.

Hedon: Are you listening to me? Jot down notes as I tell you what just happened.

Stace: Okay, but this better be funny. I’m in the middle of something, here.

Hedon: Okay, here it is. So I was taking in the porta-potty to empty it, and I was just walking along thinking about what nickname to give Big Brain. I walked into the restroom, and I see this guy. I thought, “Why is that guy peeing in the sink?” Then I realized he was peeing in a urinal, but I’m already two steps into the room.

Stace: Ummhmm.

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Hags held hostage in home

by Hagwire Staff

Hagwire (HW) Podunkville, Mo. — In what can only be described as an excessive display of alliteration, as our headline proves, Highway Hags Stace and Hedon are currently being held hostage in their home by a person who has identified himself to authorities as “Big Brain.”

According to County Deputy Slim Jones, they received a phone call early this morning.

“Yep, it was pretty early alright,” Jones told reporters. “I was still down to Missymae’s Cafe having my morning cup o’ joe when I got the report of a 9-15 on my radio. That meant a hostage situation was going down somewhere. Now, uh, we lost our book awhile back on what all those number things mean, you know like a 742 or a 611 meaning some such or another. So we just kind of made up our own way of doing things. So don’t go checking that number or anything.”

The two members of the press who were present, assured Jones no checking would be done and that, frankly, they were relieved to have the burden of research lessened, not that anyone bothered with it much anyway, and they welcomed the opportunity to assuage any remnant of journalistic conscience they might still have.

“So’s anyway,” Deputy Jones continued, “I walked on over to the office and sure enough, Little Betsy told me some fella callin’ himself ‘Big Brain’ had called and said he was holding two hostages down to the trailer park. Little Betsy is the Sheriff’s niece. She might be a bit young, being only 16 and all, but she does a good job, works cheap, and I ain’t got no reason to be doubting she was telling the truth of what she heard.”

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Crisis ends peacefully

It was a close call and a harrowing few hours, but we’re all doing ok now. Thanks to everyone who contacted the Podunkville Sheriff’s Office with offers to help in the hostage situation and with all the nickname suggestions. Those of you who just kept calling to ask about the crumb cake availability… thanks… thanks a lot. Here we were trapped in a house with a renegade mouse while being forced to listen to bad lyrics based on the popular 1954 movie ‘Carmen Jones’ starring Dorothy Dandridge and all you cared about was the crumb cake? That’s just cold, people. Just cold.

Many decent people did try to help end the situation though. Various nickname choices were offered to Big Brain by the locals, and included Sport, Skeeter, Spud, Bubby, Junior, Hoss and Sonny. Unfortunately, Big Brain didn’t take to any of the choices offered based on the fact that “they sucked” and weren’t nearly cool enough for Big Brain’s awesomeness.

Throughout all the excitement, Big Brain kept thinking about nicknames and eventually came up with a possibility on his own. After hours of being battered by the hideous singing, Stace and Hedon would have agreed to call Big Brain “Senor Poopy Pants” if that’s what he wanted, but Big Brain will now be called Fernando — at least for the present.

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