Six weeks ago I was hobbling around like a ninety year old. Barely able to move. In incredible pain. I’m not sure but I may have also had a sudden growth of bushy white hair sprouting out my ears. Like I say though, that last one isn’t certain.

Anyway, I started treatment four weeks ago. When I first met with Dr. Torture, he said he thought I would be pretty much good to go after about four weeks of treatment. He also said that those four weeks weren’t going to be easy and I should prepare myself for a rough time. I figured how bad could it be?

Here’s a run down of some of the various things that have happened in the past month:

Drove in incredibly uncomfortable car to Arkansas for treatments with Dr. Torture: Nine hours

Endured incredibly irritating and painful poking, twisting and smashing treatments with Dr. Torture: Twelve hours

Thought to myself ‘It’s always darkest before the dawn’ and ‘Patience is a virtue’ and ‘The sun will come out tomorrow’ and various other ridiculous pieces of schlock that people say during hard times: 1,372 times

Thought to myself that this whole situation is bullshit and that karma can kiss my big fat ass: 1,372 times

Thought to myself how ironic it is that this only happened after I had lost 50 pounds because getting thinner is supposed to make things easier on your body: 246 times

Thought to myself that I need to quit thinking so much: 529 times

Did difficult stretches at home assigned by Dr. Torture and intended to hurry the healing process along: 18 hours

Tablets of Advil taken around the clock at four hour intervals: 720+/-

Tubes of Extra Strength Ben-Gay smeared all over the legs making it hard to breathe: 5

Resisted the urge to shove my fist through a wall out of sheer frustration: 732 times

Resisted the urge to shove my cane through the center of the tv when stupid contestants who can’t even seem to understand the rules of the most simplistic game shows end up winning $25,000 anyway: 128 times

Tried to think of something to write for a post around here that didn’t sound whiny or angry or bitter: 348 times

Succeeded: 0 times

That’s pretty much been my month. And at the end of it I can say that the pain levels have dropped drastically. Which is a good thing. A very good thing. But after all that effort I’m now hobbling around like a seventy year old. I still can’t get around worth a shit and it’s really starting to get me down. Dr. Torture seems pleased with my progress, but I am more frustrated daily. And angry. Frustrated and angry. That’s pretty much where we stand right now.

Ok, it is a sure sign that your brand new truck has been sitting in the driveway too long when you start sprouting little oak trees in the hood hand-grip.

Never thought we'd be using the truck as a planter

Mucking around hip-deep in the pits of hell … thanks for asking.

I’ll give the short version of the tale so y’all won’t be bored to death. Well… you may remember that back at the beginning of March we finally fulfilled our long-held plan (dream) and purchased a beautiful new Freightliner tractor. It still hasn’t hauled a single load. Yep… it’s just been sitting in the driveway looking beautiful and sucking cash out of us every month. I don’t think I ever mentioned it at the time, but we also bought a trailer in April which is also sitting around empty and useless. Sigh.

Not that the truck or trailer are actually useless… that would be me. We’re not sure exactly when it happened, but I injured the hell out of myself probably sometime in January. It was one of those things that start slow and proceed to get worse week after week to the point that you realize you are only about a week or so from being bed-bound. Agonizing pain. Legs virtually useless. Spirit crushed.

For the longest time we thought it was some sort of injury to my knees or legs as it was so hard to walk. Naturally when we left USXpress we lost our insurance and we didn’t get the COBRA insurance because we thought it was too expensive. So I didn’t want to go to a doctor and create a pre-existing condition. Also, I didn’t have a lot of faith in the medical community in this instance… I could envision MRIs and exploratory surgery on my knees and god knows what all. Horrifying. Instead, we searched the internet and asked everyone we knew about the situation and came up with what seemed like a good plan to get me back on my feet. We were wrong. Things just kept getting worse. Less mobility. Every step more painful. Getting in the truck literally impossible.

Then I remembered that our cousin Ingrid had mentioned her best friend had gone through something similar and had gotten it fixed. I made an appointment with an excellent Chiropractor/Physical Therapist that Stace’s step-dad uses. First meeting he took x-rays and said, “Oh well there’s your problem” while pointing at the film. It was never my legs — it was my lower back the whole time. The x-rays were so obvious even I could read them and see the problem.

So my treatment/rehab began about two weeks ago. What they don’t tell you when you start something like that is that it is going to hurt a hell of a lot worse before it gets better. Well… I mean he did tell me that… but I didn’t think anything could hurt worse so I guess I didn’t take him seriously. I was obviously mistaken. Monday, Wednesday, Friday… treatments from hell. Tuesday, Thursday… stretching exercises from hell at home. Weekends… more stretching… more hell. Sigh.

During this entire time, Stace has had to do everything around the house. I mean literally everything that needed to be done around the house. All the shopping. All the cooking. The cleaning. The laundry. The errands. She also got the new truck all decorated and homey and loaded up and ready to roll all by herself. Not to mention waiting on me like I’m some 90 year old woman who can’t do much more for herself than wipe her own ass. Sigh. Honestly… she has been amazing. Not one complaint has passed her lips. I don’t know how I would have made it through this without her.

And I am making it through. For the first time in a very long time I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. The pain has lessened significantly. Although I’m still using a cane, I’m walking better and able to do more for myself. The doctor seems to think I will only need another week or two of treatments and I’ll be ready to roll down the highways again. It feels like he may be right. Whew! Can’t wait to hit the road… if nothing else because we never planned to spend six months at home so this whole episode has brought us to the brink of financial disaster. All that planning and waiting and saving and we’re not in any better shape than if we had just flung caution to the wind and bought a truck years ago without any financial safety net. On the other hand, I guess we should just consider ourselves lucky that we had the savings that have made it possible to survive for six months with no income and still buy the truck and trailer. See… I’m able to look at the bright side again… that’s surely a sign I’m finally getting better.

So anyway, that’s about all there is to the story. I haven’t been around simply because I’ve been so angry, bitter and depressed that I haven’t had anything to say that any of y’all would want to read… trust me. But I can finally see a universe in which I am back to my goofy pain-free self in the near future. Expect more blathering in the near future.

I haven’t been too interested in politics for quite awhile now. I’m really still not, but OOIDA, the Owner-Operators Independent Drivers Association sent out a bulletin today and its message hits straight home for all American truck drivers.

The dispute between the U.S. and Mexico over the NAFTA agreement to open our borders to Mexican truck drivers and trucking companies has been going on for many years now. After the last election, a halt was put to the Bush administration’s test program, and Mexico retaliated by raising their tariffs. It would have been nice if this had settled the issue, but everything is still up in the air on what might or might not be done in the future.

Here is a quote from today’s warning e-mail from OOIDA –

Yesterday the U.S. Chamber of Commerce launched a new campaign to push the White House and Congress to open U.S. roads to Mexico-domiciled trucking companies and truck drivers.  Though the Chamber has been pushing for Mexican trucks for many years, this campaign comes at a time when the organization is setting records for its spending on lobbying.  Public records show that the US Chamber had over $123 million in lobbying expenses last year alone.

Don’t be confused by its name, the US Chamber of Commerce carries the water for multi-national corporations and does not represent the interests of local and state chamber of commerce organizations.  They have incredibly deep pockets and no qualms about using their money to push the government to take actions that will economically benefit their largest members even if those actions trample on hardworking Americans and jeopardize the safety and security of our country.

As you read this, the Chamber and its allies are calling on Congressmen and twisting the arms of government officials.  They see the fallout from the tariffs that Mexico has imposed on US exports as the best opportunity they have had in years to force open our border and our roads to truckers from Mexico.  They well know that companies and drivers from Mexico will be cheap and exploitable.

I think all of us in trucking should be concerned about this new campaign, regardless of whether you are an owner-operator or a company driver. We will not be able to compete financially, and U.S. drivers will see wages drop and jobs disappear. Our futures are in jeopardy.

I also think anyone who drives on our highways should be concerned about this new campaign. Your safety could be at issue here.

We know money talks, and all we have to fight that cash is our voices. If you believe, like we do, that enough American jobs have been outsourced to other countries, I encourage you to contact your U.S. Senators and Representative to let them know how you feel about allowing Mexican truck drivers on our highways.

In addition, OOIDA has put out a call to action, asking citizens to call their congressman and tell him/her to sign Congressman Peter DeFazio’s letter which asks that NAFTA be renegotiated to exclude opening our borders to Mexican truck drivers and companies.

In my experience, I figure we’ll all just get screwed. It seems like Big Money always wins. Been happening for decades now in other industries and trucking looks likely to become just one more lost cause. I’ve called my congressman anyway. What the hell. It only took a few minutes.

I know of one mega-big U.S. trucking company which bought loads of land in Mexico last year. The buzz is they will be building terminals there.

Sigh.

We are up in Kansas City… PICKING UP OUR NEW TRUCK!!

That’s right folks… the quest is finally over. Financing is arranged, approved and signed. Truck is awesome looking. Dyno was great. BlowBy almost nothing. This is a done deal and the truck will be in our driveway tomorrow night.

In the end, we punked out and decided to go for a newer truck with a warranty. There is something highly attractive about buying an old… really old… truck and getting into the whole deal for next to nothing. But when you start looking at the constant repair bills you’re facing and all the down-time that goes along with that, a newer truck that costs more up-front starts looking much better. Besides, we both find warranties to be very sexy. We were hoping to find a Century or Columbia in the 2005 or 2006 range with about 600k miles on it.

So we called around when we got back from OKC and started talking to this guy in Kansas City. And he has been awesome to work with on getting this deal put together. At first we didn’t think anyone would want to finance us because we have literally no credit history as far as purchasing things. I mean we have really good credit card credit scores, but we bought the house from a family member and bought the vehicles so long ago that they don’t count for crap. So we might as well have been a couple of 18-year-old kids as far as the financing companies see it. Add to that the fact that we’re first time owner-operators and the crap really starts hitting the fan. The only thing we have going for us is we’re both experienced drivers. Even OOIDA was telling us that we were going to need 30% down and that we should expect to pay about 16 to 17 percent interest on the loan. Hell, we figured out that we could just put the damned truck on a credit card and pay less interest. Sigh. That was pretty much a downer, as I’m sure you can imagine.

Then Shawn went to work for us and found us a great deal. Only required 15% down payment and only charged 13% interest on the balance. Plus, he and Angela got us financed for a much newer truck than we had dared to hope for with far fewer miles and with great big kick-ass warranties. Yet they still managed to keep the payments exactly in the range we were looking for.

So here’s the low-down on the new truck:

• 2007 Freightliner Century with 427k miles
• Detroit 60 Series 14L @ 515 horsepower with opti-idle (not too sure about that opti-idle business but we plan to get an apu as soon as we can so no big deal)
• 13 speed OD EatonFuller tranny and 3.42 ratio
• 229″ wheelbase w/ 4 airbag suspension
• All aluminum wheels with 22.5LP virgin tires
• Dual 150 gallon fuel tanks (woohoo!)
• Dual exhaust
• Dual chain hangers already installed
• Chrome gauges (whatever)
• Fancy-pants two-toned paint job (too fancy for us, but great at scale houses since fancier-pantsier trucks tend to get the green light more often than the duct-taped hoopty trucks)
• 3 year/300k mile drive-train warranty (serious woohoo!)
• 1 year/100k most everything on the truck warranty (double serious woohoo!)

We are very happy campers right now. I was telling Stace that, if this truck turns out to be as good over time as we hope it will, I don’t ever plan to buy a truck from anyone but Shawn. He, and Angela his finance guru, have really worked overtime to get us in a good truck with a good deal and make us happy with the whole experience. I suppose we might have gotten a better deal if we had kept looking, but I feel pretty dang satisfied with the deal we got and needless to say I am thrilled that the search is finally — at long last — over. Maybe now Fernando can think about something other than trucks all day every day. Like trailers for example… now we need a trailer.

Here’s a couple of pics of the new and improved HagMobile:

Fancy, huh? No need to pull that looker behind the scale house, Officer Fife.

Pretty standard Freightliner look

Okay... not generally a huge fan of the blue bunk but in this case I'm willing to make an exception and really learn to love all that blue

We made it through the night without getting the truck stolen because honestly who was going to steal that hoopty? After breakfast we loaded up our stuff, checked out of the motel and headed over to the sales lot to give the truck back to Mr Pants-on-Fire. The night before we had cleverly planned a route that avoided the interstate and only included one right hand turn. That’s why it pays to be smarty-pants types.

I did much better with the shifting the second day. Oh… I still had no speedometer so I didn’t know how fast I was going, but things seemed to be running much more smoothly. Thank goodness shifting really was like riding a bike. Anyway, I was rapidly approaching the only right hand turn on the route when a damned truck pulled up to the stop sign. Sigh. I sat at the stop sign and turned the wheel to the right all the way to the stop. Then I started rolling forward… right toward the truck sitting at the stop sign. When it finally became painfully obvious to both me and that other driver that I wasn’t going to make the turn, I surrendered and backed up to make the cut. Thankfully Stace had my back and was holding off traffic.

Finally made it to the truck lot and pulled up to the fence. Shut the truck off and started to get out to meet with Stace. Remembered that the driver’s door wouldn’t open. Thought no big deal I’d just get out the passenger side. No dice. Passenger side door wouldn’t open from the inside, either. Rolled down the window and tried to lean out far enough to reach the outside door handle. Nope. Arms too short. Damn… trapped in the truck. Had to just sit there and hope Stace would realize that I wasn’t  getting out of the truck. Sent her mental message to come investigate. Which she did. And thankfully she let me out of the death-trap. Cause she loves me.

We walked in to hand Mr. Pants-on-Fire the keys and let him know that we weren’t interested in the truck. At some point during the conversation, I mentioned that the turning radius was ridiculous on that thing. I told him about trying to make a right-hand turn at a stop light and having to back up to cut it tighter. He actually had the nerve to say, “Oh yeah, the guy who took it over to have the Dyno run told me that it wouldn’t turn right. Don’t let that stop you cause we can get that fixed up real good before you take the truck.”

Dude! Are you kidding me? You knew the truck wouldn’t turn right and you didn’t say a thing? What the hell is wrong with you? Well we made it clear that we simply weren’t interested in the truck and he proceeded to try to sell us a Columbia that he had sitting on the lot. At that point, I’m pretty sure Stace’s expression spoke volumes. Every muscle of her face told him in no uncertain terms that we wouldn’t buy a Diet Coke and cigarette from him if he were the last supplier on earth. We hit the road.

Thanks to Mr. I-Lie-for-a-Living and to my well-reasoned-but-as-it-turned-out stupid decision to have the Dyno run first, that trip was quite costly. There was the $250 Dyno, the rental car, the motel, the food…. Ugh! What a waste. In order to try to avoid the weekend being a total bust, we stopped on the way home and spent the day with Chaos and LittleOne.

We met up with them and all went to the Aquarium. LittleOne was too damned cute in the Aquarium. She ran from one exhibit to the next and excitedly pointed out each fish tank. She wasn’t too sure about touching the little interactive shells they had on exhibit, but once I did it she decided it was ok. After we ran all over the joint, we hit the gift shop and told her she could have one thing. She picked a hat. You know who else wears a hat all the time, don’t you? That’s right — it’s me! What a smart kid.

After the Aquarium we drove around for a while then went to this little steak house we found down there previously. Man they have some of the best steaks I have ever eaten. It is hard to describe the joint. But we always have an excellent meal when we go there. And LittleOne was extremely good. I didn’t really think about it until Stace brought it up later, but we were able to take a two-year-old to a rather upscale steak house on a Friday night and she didn’t cause any trouble at all. I’m not sure if any of the dating couples even realized she was there. We did have the waitress remove the burning candle from the table, I mean she is a great kid but she’s not a saint or anything.

We took Chaos and LittleOne home then had to drive for three hours back to the house. What a doomed trip on the truck front. The worst part was that we were back to square one on the truck hunt. Ugh! I am so sick of this shit. If you think you’re tired of reading about it, just think how tired we are of living through it. Will this truck purgatory never end?

So we walked up to the truck prepared to be wowed. It sat there glistening in the sun. First thing we noticed that was a slight bit different was the passenger side windshield was busted. I don’t mean it had a crack in it I mean it was a stunning likeness of a black widow’s web. Then there was the fact that two of the four mirrors were broken. And one of those chicken lights on that big fancy chrome bumper was busted. “Small details,” we murmured to each other and walked up to get a closer look.

A quick walk around inspection turned up a few more interesting details:

Brakes were wafer-thin.

Eight of the ten tires were virtually bald while the two right rear drives were brand new. What’s up with that?

One of the air bags didn’t inflate properly once we started the truck.

Massive air leak under the right rear of the sleeper.

When we shut the truck off it dumped all the air in less than three minutes.

Stacks appeared ready to fall off the truck when you closed the door.

Passenger seat had no air controls at all.

Cabinets weren’t actually bolted to the walls so they just sort of flopped around.

One brake light didn’t work at all and the turn signals at the rear of the truck were reversed so that when you signaled left the right light came on.

Sigh. Wasn’t exactly the truck of our dreams needless to say. Still… all the problems we had found were things that could be fixed if you had enough money to throw at the thing. So since our motel was less than a mile away, we decided to drive it over there and think about the situation over dinner.

I started the beast up and waited for it to build air pressure. After what seemed like an hour, I was finally ready to roll. I eased it into gear and headed out into the unknown. Pulling out of the parking spot it was in I had to turn right and was surprised when I headed straight toward these old four-wheelers parked all the way across the lot. Good lord! I could have burned donuts in a Columbia in the amount of space that truck took to start inching right. I actually had to reverse and cut it tighter to get moving toward the street. Ugh! I told myself that it wasn’t a big deal, however, and reminded myself that everyone told me that the Classic has a huge turning radius — no big deal we could get used to that… eventually.

Well I finally made it to the street, turned left onto Reno and headed toward the motel. The shifting went better than I expected considering it had been almost three years since I’d had to shift. I wasn’t great or anything but it was passable. Got to the first stoplight on our route and prepared to make a right turn. It was one of those intersections where there were four lanes and a raised median in the center. When the light turned green I turned the hell out of that steering wheel and started rolling slowly forward. Straight into the median. Everyone at the intersection stared and pointed. Small children fell to the ground holding their sides with uncontrollable laughter. A sightseeing group of nuns fell to their knees and began praying over the deplorable state of affairs in the trucking industry. Fred the hubcap-selling wino got so worked up over the stupidity of it all that he accidentally rolled his cart into the street and spilled hubcaps all over the road. Sigh.

There I was nosed into the median in the middle of a very busy intersection. I mean that truck had barely turned at all. It didn’t even come close to making 45 degrees. I had to back up in the middle of the intersection and cut it tighter to get into a travel lane. Good thing Stace was behind me in the rental car to fend off traffic and give me room to move. As I backed up, I made sure to run over some of the rolling hubcaps laying around on the street.

I was finally moving forward and had the shifting going well enough to realize that I had no speedometer or odometer. Nada. Stopped at ten miles per hour.And you know what that means… that truck could have three million miles on it. With no odometer there was simply no way of knowing how many miles they had put on it since the engine rebuild. Not that I had time to worry about that at the moment since I was just trying to keep it moving smoothly down the road.

Finally, there was only one more right turn on our route. Which was luckily one of those giant forgiving intersections that you could probably have moved a small building onto that side street if you were careful. No problem… I made the turn ok and headed to the motel. Made it into the motel without incident. Whew!

Managed to get it parked and shut down safely and started to get out to meet with Stace who was getting out of the rental car. Couldn’t get the damned door open. Stace had to open the door to let me out of the truck. I got out and we tried to lock the door. Neither door locked. Seriously. And the repeated slamming of the door trying to get it closed tight enough to lock was obviously on the verge of causing the stack to fall off the truck. In the end, I just blocked the truck in with the rental car and left good enough alone.

I turned to Stace. She turned to me. We looked at the truck. As one we burst out with, “Oh my god, I hate it. You hate it, too? Thank god cause I really really hate it.”

Get thee behind me, Devil Truck