Finally something interesting happened that I can write about. Not that tons of interesting things have been going on left and right but I wasn’t able to post about them due to national security issues or something… not much has been happening around the Hagstead lately.

Anyway, I forgot to get tomatoes and we were planning to have tacos for supper. I ran out to our little country store to grab some. Rushed into the store, grabbed the tomatoes and was heading back outside. As I walked up to the glass door there was an older lady who was approaching it from the outside about a half-step slower than me. Since I was at the door first, and she was an older lady, I opened the door, stepped through it and then held it open for her to walk into the store.

Now I’m not one to base a lot on a person’s appearance or anything, but I did notice that while she was quite well-dressed she also appeared somewhat… well… snooty. All I mean by that is her mouth was all pursed up in that older-lady-expression-of-disapproval and she didn’t even make eye contact or acknowledge me as I opened the door for her.

As I stepped through the door, I heard a ruckus and looked across the parking lot to where three young men were whooping and hollering. They didn’t seem to be causing any trouble or anything just goofing around. Well the older lady heard them too and stopped half-way through the door and turned around to glare at them. Meanwhile I was still standing there holding the door open for her. So there we were… me holding the door while she glared at the whooping teens. We stood like that for about 15 to 20 seconds.

I don’t know if you’ve ever stood there holding the door open for someone for about 20 seconds but that is a surprisingly long time to just stand there like a doofus holding the door. So eventually I decided that she wasn’t going to go in the store after all and I could go on about my business. I smiled at her again — which she ignored again — and let go of the door to head on home with my tomatoes.

That’s when it all sort of shifted into slow motion. The giant heavy glass door started swinging straight toward the old woman. She never moved. She just kept standing there starring at the rowdy teens. That door smashed straight into her disapproving face. She never even lifted a hand to stop it. Next thing I know I’ve given this elderly lady a bloody nose. Who just stands there and lets a door smash them in the face?!

Obviously I immediately freaked out and jerked the door open to say, “Oh my god, I’m so sorry, Ma’am. Are you alright?”

She said, “Get away from me you… you… beast!”

I said, “I’m so sorry. I thought you had decided not to go in after all…”

She started digging through her purse and pulled out a tissue to wipe the blood off her nose. Then she stamped her foot and said, “Just get away from me you white-trash, welfare, ghetto beast.”

So I stepped back outside with one of the clerks. I was still quite shocked by the whole thing and said to the clerk, “I thought she had decided to go back to her car. I mean I had been standing there a long time.”

The clerk said, “I know you did. I was standing there wishing you two would close the door and quit letting all the cold air inside. I wouldn’t worry about it. She’s a real bitch.”

So there I stood… after a lifetime of respecting and honoring older people, I had just given an old woman a bloody nose. I was momentarily rooted to the spot, but after a few moments of consideration I did what any white-trash, welfare, ghetto beast would do in that situation… I grabbed my tomatoes and went home. I mean who does she think she is that people should just stand around and hold the door for her all night, anyway?

Man this time at home has gone on forever. So much has happened that I don’t even know where to begin. Guess we’ll just pick a topic and go from there. How about… hmmm… weight loss. Those of you who have been keeping track might remember that when Stace and I came in off the road she had lost like a thousand pounds and I had only lost something like 24 overall. I wasn’t freaking out or anything but I will admit to being a little concerned about my lack of progress.

This led to my increased urges to get a Wii asap. I figured we were going to be home for a while and any increased physical activity would be a good thing. So we got the Wii and set to work. Boxing. Tennis. Bowling. We even worked the speed skating and synchronized swimming. Granted, we did figure out how to do virtually all of the various sports from our great big recliners, but lets be honest just flailing our arms around wildly was going to be an improvement over passively watching tv like a slack-jawed yokel. Wii-related arm flailing seemed to be making a difference and I lost a few pounds once we were finally home.

I thought the Wii workout was really worthwhile but it was surpassed by an even more intense exercise plan. I like to call this plan the Chase-The-LittleOne-Around-The-House-Work-Out. See what happened was that Chaos and LittleOne came up to the house for Christmas. They got to stay a few days then Chaos had to go home to go back to work cause she still has her crappy menial food-service job that she hates. (Woo Hoo!) Anyway, Chaos had to go home, but Stace and I weren’t ready to give up LittleOne yet. So I suggested that we keep LittleOne up at our house for just a couple more days. How hard could it be? I would take Chaos home and bring LittleOne back to Missouri then we would keep LittleOne for a couple more days and finally take her home. Easy, right?

No. Not easy. Not easy at all. Here’s the thing… I forgot to consider the weather. Due to the stupid weather we ended up keeping LittleOne by ourselves for nine days. Nine days, people. Now don’t get me wrong, LittleOne was a great kid the entire time. She never acted up. She behaved very well. As a matter of fact, she was a real joy. But she was a two-year-old-massive-bundle-of-energy joy. She sort of unknowingly created her own work out routine for the grandmas. I can’t say for sure that she was channeling Jillian from the Biggest Loser, but it did seem likely based on the workout plan she came up with:

237 complete outfit changes into and out of fairy princess outfit.

367 trips escorting LittleOne to the back of the house to see what the dog was getting up to back there

163 sinks full of dishes washed by me and rinsed by LittleOne.

479 horsey rides.

821 diaper changes.

1,482 trips to the bathroom to brush LittleOne’s teeth with her fancy new spinning toothbrush.

3,841 other trips to the bathroom so LittleOne could wash her hands.

1 trip to Walmart immediately after Christmas so LittleOne could be more properly spoiled.

2,347 games of Somebody’s-In-My-Chair which involved much tickling and ended with picking LittleOne up and flinging her around a bit before flopping into the recliner together.

8,631 games of Let’s-All-Squeal-Really-Loudly-And-Chase-The-Dog-Down-The-Hall

All in all it was a hell of a work-out. I was exhausted by the time we took her home. But between the Wii and the LittleOne I ended up losing a ton more weight. I was at 24 pounds after all those months on the road and after less than two moths at home I am now at 47 pounds down. WooHoo!! I am this close to fifty pounds lost. Hurrah!! Maybe I should go get LittleOne for a few more days.

Some pictures from Christmas and yesterday.

It's rough being a princess. Get on my foot already!

Santa's cute helper

Does pushing this button make lots of noise? Awesome!

You mean I get this bike two days AFTER Christmas? Works for me. Now look at my foot.

I like staying with my grandmas. Or at any rate, Grandma Stace caught me at an opportune moment.

I can’t believe the zeros are over. Seems like just yesterday we were sitting around debating whether or not to run to the store and buy up water just in case the nutballs were right about Y2K.

And yet, it seems like a very, very long time. In 2000 our daughter turned 13. Today, we have a two-year-old granddaughter. Yikes.

Speaking of the grandkid, she’s staying with us for a bit. Hedon took our daughter back to her home on Wednesday (she had to get back to work), then Hedon decided she wanted to keep the grandkid for a bit longer. We weren’t sure we’d be able to keep up with her, but so far, so good. Our muscles may be a bit stiff, but at least we’re still moving.

If this had been last year, there’s not a prayer we could have done this. I wasn’t physically capable of it, period. Now I am. Guess I should thank diabetes for that.

I weighed in about a week and a half ago. I had lost another five pounds, which brings my total up to 52 pounds lost. Seven months — 52 pounds. Good deal. Now is when I hit the critical part, when weight loss has become more difficult in the past. It will be interesting to see if my body follows old trends. The year 2010 may be all about plateaus for me.

The best thing is that my blood sugar levels are getting better and better. It’s not uncommon now for me to get readings below 100. Even my fasting level has gone down from 130 on average to about 110 on average. I suspect the improvement is because I’m so much more active at home than I am on the road.

Even after nearly two months at home, I am not yet ready to return to trucking. The very thought makes me grind my teeth. Now that the holidays are over, Hedon is going to start getting into the nitty-gritty of what it’s going to take to get us our own truck. Then we’ll make our decision. One thing is for sure — I cannot return to working as a company driver. I’m done with that, for now.

Take it easy out there. And hope you have a very happy New Year’s Day!

Merry Christmas! Kindly ignore that this greeting is several days too late. Am I in time to wish everyone a happy Kwanza? I’m pretty sure I’m behind on the Hanukkah thing, too. So Happy Hanukkah, too. And may all your days be merry and bright. Though really, do we always want to be merry and bright? I, personally, wouldn’t mind a fair share of serious contemplation. But I’m just all deep that way. When I’m not watching reality TV.

Oooh, you didn’t know it when you started reading this, but the mere fact that I’m excessively late in addressing the holiday season will in no way exempt all of you from having to slodge your way through another of my idiotic holiday posts. It has already begun. And it’s too late to run away now. You’re firmly in my rambly clutches. Hahahaha.

We didn’t celebrate Christmas on The Day this year. We celebrated it Sunday, because Hedon and our daughter and granddaughter got stuck 100 miles away from home in the snowstorm which hit us last Thursday. They didn’t actually get here until Saturday, then we naturally needed a day of Santa anticipation before the big event, hence the whole Sunday thing.

After our granddaughter worked her way through the gift overkill (we did the best we could to control ourselves on the number of presents, but failed miserably, as you might expect), we cooked a feast and Magnus strolled down and joined us. The feasting was as out of control as the spoiling of the grandchild. A great day.

It was interesting to put up a Christmas tree this year. We haven’t had one in ages. When our daughter was growing up, we used to buy ornaments for one another to commemorate the past year. We always tried to choose ornaments which had some relevance to what each of us had done in the past year, or at the very least, some connection to what we were into at the time.

I hadn’t looked through these ornaments in forever, so it was quaintly nostalgic to revisit those tokens of past deeds. Quaint for me, anyway. I’m not generally into nostalgia. Guess I’m getting sappy and sentimental in my old age. Soon I’ll be complaining about how today’s Pop Rocks don’t taste like they used to. And shaking my feeble fist in the air to emphasize my senile outrage at the loss of tasty Pop Rocks. Excellent.

Hedon and I have tried many times to perfect the fist shake, but it’s a surprisingly difficult skill. It can’t be too hearty, or too menacing, and must convey the appropriate balance of impotent rage, rascality and general old-fartiness. Not an easy thing to do with a simple hand and arm gesture. We’re working on it, though, and plan to have it at maximum strength by the time we hit 70. However, Hedon may whip it out, perfected or not, by the time we get our first AARP mag, which is shockingly not far away.

Okay, I can’t blather on any longer. The grandkid is standing next to my chair, sucking on one of those candy ring things (which probably aren’t as tasty as they were when I was a kid), and staring at me with a “why aren’t you playing with me, Grandma” look in her adorable eyes. Works every time.

And oh yeah, Happy Holidays to you all from the Highway Hags. Hope it was all you wished for.

He cried “Wii Wii Wii” all the way home, of course. I can’t remember what the other four piggies did. How strange. I think one had roast beef and the other had none. Which two piggies experienced this feast and famine is beyond me. Not that individual toes have names, like fingers. Or do they? Apart from in the medical terminology? I mean, I’m not likely to recall that the second metacarpal digitary footiculus member had roast beef, am I?

Back to the Wii. Hedon has been wanting this thing forever. I’ve failed to see the point of the purchase since we are never at home, and didn’t have room in the truck to carry it with us. I still kind of fail to see the point, what with we will eventually have to get off our asses and get back to work, and our space issues are unlikely to be changed once we are back on the road. But, what the hell. We’re going to be home for awhile.

So we have a Wii, our early Christmas present to one another. Much of this purchase was justified by telling ourselves that the game will be good for us — you know, get us moving and somesuch. It will help with the dieting. It will give us more stamina. It will cure my diabetes and any illness which might be loitering secretly within Hedon. The Wii will save us.

Yup. That is exactly what has happened. We are now thin models of healthy perfection. The Wii has saved us.

Okay, maybe not. But that’s not the Wii’s fault. The only true fault of the Wii is that its possible health benefits are too easily sidestepped. We’re just too damned clever for it … and lazy.

We have actually only bought two games which are meant to require more physical movement than a twitching of the fingers: Wii Sports and Wii Sports Resort. And don’t bother asking me why we didn’t buy one of the actual fitness games. We just didn’t. The plan is to work up to something as strenuous as true fitness. And don’t bother asking me about the plan. I really shouldn’t have mentioned the plan at all, since it is a nasty elusive little bastard who refuses to be raised to fruition. Bastard.

We do have the sports games, though. These include things like tennis, baseball, boxing, bowling, golf, fencing, basketball, etc. Playing these games may not be a total body workout, but it’s more of a workout than say, Super Mario Brothers World. After all, you have to stand up to play these games, and you flail your arms around. In our shape, this is not something to be dismissed as a minor benefit.

Just one problem. Being wily and lazy, we have discovered that pretty much every one of these sports can be played while sitting in our big old recliners. Turns out, you can play a decent game of tennis while sitting on your ass. Your right arm has to flail about a great deal, but if you prop it up on the arms of the chair, you can significantly decrease the amount of calorie-burning and muscle building you might get otherwise.

Boxing is somewhat difficult to pull off in a chair. But we stuck to it and have accomplished this feat. And golf? You’d think that would be impossible. Nope. Never underestimate what laziness can do.

The other night, Hedon decided to be all virtuous and played boxing the real way for several hours. As a result of her desire to play properly, she had to take off a good 24 hours from Wii playing, thanks to the pulled shoulder and various other war wounds. She’d best reconsider being such a good girl in the future. Look at how she had to pay.

I, meanwhile, can work up something of a sweat while whacking my way across the countryside in the swordplay game. And do it while not getting out of the recliner. Swordplay will be my new road to fitness … and further me on the road to ninja-hood, or Xena-hood or whatever might involve the skills of sitting in a recliner while thwopping various opponents on the head with an electronic sword.

Excellent.

The great house project continues. This morning I’m doing my own take on ‘How Clean is your House?’ with the two adorable British ladies. Now granted on the show they go into houses that haven’t been cleaned in several years and often have to shovel out dumpsters (or skips (or perhaps skiffs) on the other side of the pond) full of actual trash. Obviously we don’t have anything that dramatic, but what we do have is a closet in the kitchen that is just chocked full of crap. I’m not even sure what’s in the cabinet since it’s only opened long enough to grab the broom or mop then slammed shut before anything else falls out. So it won’t exactly be tv worthy but I’ll be glad to have it clean again.

On the work front… well not a lot is going on. I do have a line on a truck we are considering up in Kansas City. It is around the right year/mileage and the price is reasonable so it may be a go. It’s a hideous light blue but that really isn’t a deal-breaker or anything. We’ll have to see what happens there.

On the other end of the plan, we are considering leasing on with Forward Air Freight. It has quite a few upsides such as 100% terminal to terminal loads which means they are also 100% no touch freight. That’s an important point since we simply aren’t going to unload trailers. I mean we wouldn’t even do that when we were company drivers so we sure as hell aren’t going to do it as owner operators. Another good thing about FAF is they are very light loads since they are generally Air Freight. Lighter loads means better fuel mileage and when you’re talking about 6 or 6.5 miles per gallon every little bit helps. They aren’t going to be self dispatch but really the only options for self dispatch that I know of are Landstar or going all the way and working with brokers. We don’t want to sign on with Landstar and we’re not ready to go all out with our own plates and trailer and such.

Anyway, that’s about where we are on all fronts. We haven’t bought all our christmas gifts but we don’t have much yet to get so even that is going smoothly. Basically life is just flowing along swimmingly and unless I get buried and crushed later in a weird cabinet pack-rat-related tragedy things are looking good.